The sky is Green, the earth is flat and Spinach tastes like Oranges.
Of course those statements are utter crap, but they do sort out who's listening and who isn't.
Listening to someone close to the edge can be at times both rewarding and utterly devastating, I've struggled to find people willing to listen, to not judge how or who I am, it has been a struggle, that is it's been a struggle until a couple of weeks ago, then things changed, maybe not for the better but they are changing, perhaps one day the changes may be for the better, right now, I don't think that they are, but they are necessary, let me explain.......
So it happened a couple of Fridays ago, just another day in my dreary old world, except for one slight difference, I got drunk so blind drunk that I blacked out on several occasions, the memories are hazy and possibly made up in my mind, I'm hoping they are not that way, they do seem real to me. Anyway the place to start the Lumley pub in Skeg, its a Rock-a-Billy night going on, not my thing normally but the vodka and coke is going down so well that it doesn't matter too much.
Having quit smoking now over a year ago, its not my thing to go outside for a smoke anymore, but just to be sociable it is a good thing to do, maybe I had a smoke, maybe I didn't, it don't matter that much, although going off on a tangent for a minute, my health has seriously deteriorated since I quit! Do I want to start again? you bet, but I simply can not be arsed with it.
Where to go now? bit of a block going on atm, just wait on one second, hmmmm, yep okay so I'm going to mention a name, it has been changed, I don't want the lady involved to get embarrassed or pissed off if she reads this. Lets call her Jayne.
Okay, so I'm stood in the doorway of the Lumley, and Jayne comes out, we start chatting, I've no idea what was actually said, the Vodka had really taken hold by now, but by all accounts I invited her down to Busters for a bit of drinking and a bop or three, whatever bop might mean?
I must tell you about Jayne, she is an ex girlfriend, one of quite a few, we will get back to that eventually, this is going to be a long long chapter and may take more than one night to get out properly, the thing is I've so much going on in my head that I need to get it out onto this blogg, not all of it, that will happen later, the need to write is there though, yet again going off on a tangent, must stop doing that!
Right, where were we? ahhh yes the Lumley, anyway I invite Jayne, she says maybe? whatever that means and departs off home, back into the Lumley I head and theres some form of music going on, its not the usual stuff I'm into, hell I don't even know the tune but it got me dancing, I've never danced to that kind of music before, perhaps it was the vodka, perhaps it was just me being happy! or perhaps just perhaps it was the music?
Time got called, as it does, it always happens at the height of enjoyment, it's like really crap sex, just getting into it and then its over, such an anti climax. Out the pub we go and do my friends want to carry on in Busters? nope, they do not, but they are a bit older than me, so I cant blame them for needing an early night.
Busters.....how did I get there? you tell me? could it be I walked or took a taxi? both options could be correct, however i don't recall, probably walked. Now things get really hazy, I do recall talking to perhaps 4 people, two I've never met before, but they were in the que to get in, a man and a woman, she was dressed in blue and looked smart, him, looked a bit rough, like the great unwashed, I will get back to these two eventually, they are part of the story, we shall call her woman in blue, and him, rough man.
I do recall chatting to these two a few times twice in Busters, once on the smoking balcony, and once outside Cush (Cush, is the nightclub below Busters) so perhaps we chatted on four different occasions, I have no idea why, I've never seen them before or since.
The other chat was to a guy I used to work with many years ago, he's not important to the story but he is part of the memories.
I've got to go out....
Carry on with this at some point tomorrow, night night for now.
I started this last Thursday night, its now Tuesday.......
Okay so its a few days later, most of the above is gone now, its history, long story short, I've been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Big whoop, it was a relief to know, and caused me some grief both at home and in my day to day business, the biggest part of it is stopping the over thinking and the anxiety. 1 in 3 people have PTSD so its not a real big deal, except that it is, those 4 words explain a lot about what I've been doing over the last 4 or 5 years, the pattern has become clear. So what am I doing? I'm breaking the pattern! breaking what is wrong with me, getting back to my beginnings, discovering who I am again.
So to begin with I've been hurting people, not intentionally, but I have been doing so, theres not a lot I can do about that, some have been deserving others not so, the ones that understand will come out with me on the other side as true friends the others will be left behind. I've given some strength to soul vampires, those people that revel with happy people, suck the strength out of them and make them miserable, those associations will end, not right away but they will be going. I've thrown myself back into the gym, a healthy body does not make a healthy mind, but it is a start.
As I'm writing this theres some nice meditation music going on, my flat is warm, my body is at peace with itself and my mind is hell bent on writing again. Writing cleanses my soul, cleanses like nothing else does its very hard to describe, but I'm sure everyone has something that feels the same way. Meditation has found its way back into my life, not for long this evening but I plan on doing some every day, not only to cleanse my mind but also my soul, what I'm going to do about my black heart I just don't know, perhaps going back all these years after following the wrong path will lead to my role in life, we shall see, perhaps this path is again the wrong one? 4 or 5 years its taken to find that I'm on the wrong one, a matter of days to get back to the start point and begin again, I hope that I've enough time left in this world, theres so much to do and so many things to see, so many people to help and so many things in this world that I have not yet done.
Every day I try to build a new bridge with somebody that I have hurt or dismissed out of my life as irrelevant when in fact everyone is relevant, be it they are in my journey for days or weeks or years, some I'm sure are hurdles to be jumped over or moved out of the way, others are angels meant to show the right path, the trick is spotting the angels from amongst the hurdles, not an easy task, one thing I've done though is let my mind lapse, I've let my body grow weak and unconditioned for so long that getting it into shape has taken over keeping my brain on the straight and narrow, to the point where I am on the verge of mental collapse, going back into the extremes of anxiety and over thinking, thinking too much about the small things in life, focusing on one bad point has taken me right to the edge again. I see it now for what it is, nothing, nothing at all, its so inconsequential and trivial.
Not an hour ago I spent some time going back to meditation, clearing my mind of the day to day bullshit that builds up, honestly its like taking out the rubbish, only its not been taken out for 6 months or a year or 2 years, its going to take a few days or weeks to sort things out, I am going to come out of this a happy middle aged fit bloke raring to go and ready to kick life in the balls again, I do have to try not to let things stand in the way though. So while I was meditating I play with a pack of meditation cards, at the end I draw 3 off at random and try to get a lesson from each one.
The first one is titled Unslfconsciousness, one of the lessons is:- I am a small wave in the ocean of existence.
That's very true, no matter how important we feel that we are, or how unimportant we actually are, we are but a small, very small wave in a very big ocean that's been producing waves for billions of years.
The second one, Prayer, one of the lessons:- May I be granted absolution from the wrongs that I have inflicted on others.
I hope that I can, its too late for some, I would never attempt to build bridges, nor would any be accepted, but hopefully in time, I can build a few or hand out a few ropes to bring those I've hurt back just a little, I can but try.
Lastly number 3, Awakening:- I am now awakening to a new world.
Right now I'm not sure that I am, its the same as it was last week, last year, a decade ago, theres a strange feeling that my world is changing though, its a strange sensation, quite alien, I'm in control of some of it, other parts not as much, perhaps it will pass, perhaps it will grow bigger and stronger and be a big part of my life until things are as they should be? Ying and Yang in action? For every action theres an opposite and equal reaction? so for those years on the wrong path will it now be a few years on the right path? only I can make that choice, I've been wrong for a long time, perhaps now, knowing what I've done and what I've been through the time of healing and growing is finally happening?
Only time will tell.
