COMPLEX LIKE AN ONION

Its been a while, life as usual has its ups and downs, right now its down, properly down, nothing seems to be going right, I don't ask for much, a good woman to share my life with, that's it, how simple is that? Well its difficult very very difficult, firstly I have no real understanding of women, they are a complete mystery to me. Perhaps I'm so fixated on sharing my life with someone, that I'm missing the point? but what the hell is the point? again its just a mystery to me.

So lets try to get back to basics, whats going on in my life? well not a whole lot its all rather hum drum, all hey ho, just another day. Things must be low I'm listening to Peter Gabriel's Don't Give Up and it's causing water works, such a powerful song. What do I wish my life to be? should I be happy with my lot or should I strive for more, I'm now 46 years old on the outside, inside I'm still some teenager trying to burst out, as the years go by that's becoming increasingly difficult, this year so far has been utter misery, its not a good year, I hope to somebody that it improves! Improves drastically for so far it is crap, going out on new year was just silly, yet again I didn't listen to my gut feeling and went out, when will I learn? I'm not sure I do any more, the same mistakes over and over.

Now its Guns and Roses November Rain, one of the deepest darkest songs ever to grace my hearing! so what would I like to be doing with my life? I've not got a fucking clue, things just seem to be one long conveyor belt, work, home, work, home, home, work, it never ends, just on and on and on, its like a bad storm that wont go away, but that's the nature of the beast, the catch 22 of life, you've got to work to live, but one should not live to work, keeping the two separate is a fine line, especially in a good job, that thankfully I can say I have. 

Filling the spare time now that's the thing, I suspect a lot of people don't do anything but watch TV! I have to admit my problem is the PlayStation, its over used to the point of addicted, and its all mostly just one stupid game......GTA!! So what can I do about it? box the thing back up and stash it at my dads for a while? same could be done with my TV, get back to basics, learn how to have a life again, life was simpler without a tv!

So what else can I do, what exactly is making me unhappy right now? well I'm lounging in bed writing this, listening to music, what is not to be happy about? Well you know there's nothing that springs to mind, so it must be something else, but what is it, I'm happy going to the gym 3 times a week, I'm not so happy that over the weekend some of my muscle tone has disappeared, where the fuck has it gone? stupid muscle! I guess going back to the gym tomorrow will help that, so no biggy! no biggy! yea right, its fucking huge slaving away in the gym to get fit, have good muscle tone and enjoy life and the damn muscles bugger off over a weekend!

Now its Meatloaf, Bat Out of Hell. Crazily stupid song but its just fabulous, everyone at some point in their life hears and relates to Bat Out of Hell. Perhaps I should do something wild! have a complete life change, move the fuck out of this town and start a new life? thousands of people do, everyday, but what would that achieve for me? As some know, I was forced into that very thing a few years ago, do I need to do it again out of my own choosing? If I chose yea, what would I have to face to do so? its tempting so very very tempting, the challenge scares me, mainly because I would be doing it off my own back, what is left for me in this town? the night life is crap, well not if your 18, but 46 its rubbish, its no bloody good going out to party if your 30 years older than everyone else! oh fuck, to be 20 again, what I would do differently, its just incredible.

Now it's The Who, Who Are You, now that song I'm relating to, just who the fuck am I? I've no idea, no idea at all, no idea of my real direction, best as I can describe it is being like a leaf in the wind but still anchored to the tree, I can move with the breeze, or go my own way but I'm still anchored by the roots. The roots being my way of life right now, being in my flat is a root, its the home root, what fucking crap am I babbling on about? It's a writing thing, as usual the more i whack the keyboard, the more relaxed I become, the more clear things are, what is clear right at this very second is that things have to change, I'm stagnating, drowning in everyday bullshit! Someone once described me as being like an onion, complex with many many layers! The older I get the more I think she was right.

Motivation! I have none, so what am I going to do? how do I find some, where do I buy it from, is it a quick trip down the coop for a pint of milk and some bread or is it just lying around on the beach? I have no idea but I'm in need of some, so whats what then? hmmmm hang on I'm slipping back into utter drivel a change of song may help, something inspirational. Lynyrd Skynyrd Free Bird, might do the trick, that damn song goes on forever, but boy is it a good one! So am I a free bird? some might think so, the 20 year married bloke who yearns to live the life I'm living, the 5 years divorced, single, free bloke, good job, good car, good apartment. I'd swap it in an instant for something real, that something I've never experienced, that feeling that's always been just out of reach, that feeling of knowing you've found the one. The one you just know your going to share your life with, share every living moment with, until the day one or the other dies, I'd swap all I have for just one moment of that feeling, but then I would be greedy and never wish to give the feeling back.

John Miles now Mr Blue Sky......yea some blue sky would be nice! a nice sunny day, just say fuck it, grab the cameras, jump in the car and fuck off for the day, where would I go? yep you've guessed it, no bloody idea at all, again a lack of motivation, where the hell has it gone? on the other side, where does it come from? where the inspiration for writing all this drivel? I've no idea! I do know I'm going to have to get a drink soon the thirst is upon me, perhaps a Gin and Tonic, not had one for a while, perhaps its also time to shave all my hair off again, this hair growing lark is just pissing me off, I mean whats the point of it? Grow ya hair get it stiled and look like either a thug or a prick? its beyond me, perhaps I should just grow it again and never have another cut!

That's better, Gin and T, mixed with a bit of Bonnie Tyler, that Eclipse of the heart song, what the hell do I do now? I'm drawn between listening to Bonnie because its such a powerful song, drinking my GnT and typing more drivel for my own dark personal pleasure, cant do all three at once, oh fuck hahaha my play list has just turned Bat Out of Hell on again, Gin time! The brain is a funny old thing, take mine for instance, I'm fairly sure I have one, not sure where it is though, like most men I'm damn sure I think through my cock more than anything else, but if that's the case why and how can I sit in bed at night writing all this stuff? stuff that I wouldn't dare say out loud to anybody, yet I can put it on some digital diary for the whole world to digest. It's just crazy!

So to find some motivation, lets have a look at my bucket list as it is now.......

Fly in a jet
Learn to fly a glider
See the northern lights
Use my passport, again

Not much is it? the things I can never do list is a bit longer

Be in the Olympics
Ride a horse in the Grand National
Win a championship
Sing (in key)
Act, in a play 
Write a novel or three and get published
dance (well)
 Be a Vampire!

All those things are so far out of my reach, that they will always remain a dream, one that breaks my heart, but still a dream none the less.

The tears and sadness is back now, it must be the Gin, I guess its not called mothers ruin for no reason, why am I taking this life so seriously at the minute? its the only one I've got, so why cant I shake the impending feelings of doom and gloom, its so different to how things were no more than 20 days ago, is it the post Christmas blues? or the fact January takes everything to get through and lasts for about 83 days! one thing is for sure though, no matter what I'm not going to resort back to the happy pills, of a few years ago, I am and always will be stronger than that, perhaps now and then I loose sight of that, loose sight of just how strong and resilient I can be, sometimes just sometimes its good to say fuck it!

So here goes......

FUCK IT!!