What good is a blogg without a spelling checker!!
So its been over a year now that I last had the urge to write anything, being here doing this means that unfortunately life has dealt its lemons again. A lot has happened, but not a damn thing of it is good. Thats not quite true there is some good its just finding it. Where it is to be found I have absolutely no idea, theres lots of things swirling around in my brain, women, work, lockdown, mot for the car, money, diet, gym, smoking, not a thing of it means I'm not like anyother person on the planet dealing with this shit, but the nose is twitching, bacon tastes good, coffee is the drink of choice right now.....so if your reading this grab a cuppa, sit back, relax and lets go on a trip......
What that trip is going to be is anybodys guess, probably just a confusing waffle about nothing in particular, just a way to keep my brain ocupied, hell it could turn out to be a complete novel...a novel! how I'd love to write and write, without stopping just keep on going wear out one laptop start on another but hey life gets in the way right?
We all know that life is a huge great fucking lemon, its not a gentle world we live in, its violent and nasty full of horrible people, and trust me, people are horrible, I consider myself to be one of those horrible people, rightly or wrongly I do feel like it, the more I try to be good the worse I feel, but doing the wrong shit, the nasty seedy side of life that what makes me feel truly alive! I'd love to get away from it, love to leave it all behind. I'm damn sure if thats what I'm meant to do then one day it will happen. For now I feel a horrible nasty human being.
Should I write about how I've come to that? I dont think so, suffice to say those that have been affected will know what im talking about, it is wrong to blab all about that, maybe in a private moment I will create a chapter just for me, one to go back on as the years pass, maybe one day when things have passed on I may publish such a chapter, for now those things must stay private.
People come into ones life for different reasons, some bring nothing but good, those are the true angels, they dont have wings or a halo but they are angels non the less, others who you may think are angels are very far from it, they let you think they are angels, worm their way in, get your confidence, gain your trust, but all along they are vampires, when your on your knees with nothing left to give they continue to take everything that you have. Ive reached that point I've nothing left to give, yet again I find myself at the bottom of a glass jar just looking out at the world. I guess its my fault for not knowing the difference, good or bad I continue to let people into my life, give out trust to the misguided ones but dont trust the true angels. Its like betting on a horse, some folks continually pick the wrong ones, never backing a winner, well thats me, bet on the wrong horse and walk away eventually hurt and disgusted with myself.
Its hard to have the will power to continue. Continue to put trust in people, continue to strive for those true angels that will stick around through thick and thin, I know they are out there, but the more I get into this glass jar of mine the further away they seem to be. I'm damn sure theres many others out in the big world that are just like me, lost....lost to the world. Perhaps its a case of just accepting what is happening, what is meant to be? why the hell should I? more to the point why shouldnt I? well because deep within me there is a fighter a guy that loves to take the world by the scruff of the neck, give it a good kick in the bollocks and scream NO!
I've lost that guy, hes fucked off!
Years and years ago, I nearly drowned in a swimming pool, nobody saved me, I saved myself. Thought I would be clever, see if I could touch the bottom of the deep end, just push myself down, see if I could do it! I was wrong! very very wrong, I remember pushing myself down and looking up as I did so. The reflection of the water surface was beautifull all glistening with sunlight, utterly fantastic! right at this point the reality set in, im in the deep end, trying to touch bottom, looking up and with no real idea of how to swim. Panic set in, I opened my mouth to scream! To this day I have no idea how or why it happened but something took over, it was like being in two places at once, the panic continued unabated, but a calmness was also present almost like my brain was doing two things at once, I felt the bottom of the pool with my feet! ahhhh the feeling going through my feet I can still feel it now! push! push with all your might! Up like a rocket! mouth open screaming for all im worth back up the surface, reach out, grab the side, hold on dont let go! cough the water out, what seemed like gallons of it! take a breath, then another, keep holding on! dont let go! whatever happens I'm safe now, no way im going to do that again, ever.
Over the passing years, over 40 years im surprised to work out, I have often thought back to that moment and wondered if that should have been my turn to die? if that was my time, why did I not die? what plan has somebody got for me? I cannot answer those questions for I still do not know the answers, perhaps one day I will have them, perhaps not though, am I the only one with an experience like that? a profound life event that will always be remembered? There has been other times when Ive thought this is it, time to pop the cloggs, meet ones maker, push up some daisies, escape this mortal body! I'm still here though, so there must be something, some reason? am I going to be one of the lucky ones and die a very old man, with a happy fullfilled life? or one of the unlucky ones? cut short in ones prime destined never to get old? only time will tell, but please, some one or something somewhere must have an answer to that?
When i first started writing this blogg, it was a healing prosess, get myself away from the dark times that life has sent my way. Over the years things have gotten better, sometimes though a reminder that I am still broken comes my way, nothing specific just a word here or a misguided thought there and everything comes flooding back, I have nobody to blame for that apart from myself, its no good looking for reasons, what is done is done, such is life and its lemons.....
