Life is a Lemon

 What good is a blogg without a spelling checker!!

So its been over a year now that I last had the urge to write anything, being here doing this means that unfortunately life has dealt its lemons again. A lot has happened, but not a damn thing of it is good. Thats not quite true there is some good its just finding it. Where it is to be found I have absolutely no idea, theres lots of things swirling around in my brain, women, work, lockdown, mot for the car, money, diet, gym, smoking, not a thing of it means I'm not like anyother person  on the planet dealing with this shit, but the nose is twitching, bacon tastes good, coffee is the drink of choice right now.....so if your reading this grab a cuppa, sit back, relax and lets go on a trip......

What that trip is going to be is anybodys guess, probably just a confusing waffle about nothing in particular, just a way to keep my brain ocupied, hell it could turn out to be a complete novel...a novel! how I'd love to write and write, without stopping just keep on going wear out one laptop start on another but hey life gets in the way right? 

We all know that life is a huge great fucking lemon, its not a gentle world we live in, its violent and nasty full of horrible people, and trust me, people are horrible, I consider myself to be one of those horrible people, rightly or wrongly I do feel like it, the more I try to be good the worse I feel, but doing the wrong shit, the nasty seedy side of life that what makes me feel truly alive! I'd love to get away from it,  love to leave it all behind. I'm damn sure if thats what I'm meant to do then one day it will happen. For now I feel a horrible nasty human being.

Should I write about how I've come to that? I dont think so, suffice to say those that have been affected will know what im talking about, it is wrong to blab all about that, maybe in a private moment I will create a chapter just for me, one to go back on as the years pass, maybe one day when things have passed on I may publish such a chapter, for now those things must stay private. 

People come into ones life for different reasons, some bring nothing but good, those are the true angels, they dont have wings or a halo but they are angels non the less, others who you may think are angels are very far from it, they let you think they are angels, worm their way in, get your confidence, gain your trust, but all along they are vampires, when your on your knees with nothing left to give they continue to take everything that you have. Ive reached that point I've nothing left to give, yet again I find myself at the bottom of a glass jar just looking out at the world. I guess its my fault for not knowing the difference, good or bad I continue to let people into my life, give out trust to the misguided ones but dont trust the true angels. Its like betting on a horse, some folks continually pick the wrong ones, never backing a winner, well thats me, bet on the wrong horse and walk away eventually hurt and disgusted with myself.

Its hard to have the will power to continue. Continue to put trust in people, continue to strive for those true angels that will stick around through thick and thin, I know they are out there, but the more I get into this glass jar of mine the further away they seem to be. I'm damn sure theres many others out in the big world that are just like me, lost....lost to the world. Perhaps its a case of just accepting what is happening, what is meant to be? why the hell should I? more to the point why shouldnt I? well because deep within me there is a fighter a guy that loves to take the world by the scruff of the neck, give it a good kick in the bollocks and scream NO!

 I've lost that guy, hes fucked off! 

Years and years ago, I nearly drowned in a swimming pool, nobody saved me, I saved myself. Thought I would be clever, see if I could touch the bottom of the deep end, just push myself down, see if I could do it! I was wrong! very very wrong, I remember pushing myself down and looking up as I did so. The reflection of the water surface was beautifull all glistening with sunlight, utterly fantastic! right at this point the reality set in, im in the deep end, trying to touch bottom, looking up and with no real idea of how to swim. Panic set in, I opened my mouth to scream! To this day I have no idea how or why it happened but something took over, it was like being in two places at once, the panic continued unabated, but a calmness was also present almost like my brain was doing two things at once, I felt the bottom of the pool with my feet! ahhhh the feeling going through my feet I can still feel it now! push! push with all your might! Up like a rocket! mouth open screaming for all im worth back up the surface, reach out, grab the side, hold on dont let go! cough the water out, what seemed like gallons of it! take a breath, then another, keep holding on! dont let go! whatever happens I'm safe now, no way im going to do that again, ever. 

Over the passing years, over 40 years im surprised to work out, I have often thought back to that moment and wondered if that should have been my turn to die? if that was my time, why did I not die? what plan has somebody got for me? I cannot answer those questions for I still do not know the answers, perhaps one day I will have them, perhaps not though, am I the only one with an experience like that? a profound life event that will always be remembered? There has been other times when Ive thought this is it, time to pop the cloggs, meet ones maker, push up some daisies, escape this mortal body! I'm still here though, so there must be something, some reason? am I going to be one of the lucky ones and die a very old man, with a happy fullfilled life? or one of the unlucky ones? cut short in ones prime destined never to get old? only time will tell, but please, some one or something somewhere must have an answer to that?

When i first started writing this blogg, it was a healing prosess, get myself away from the dark times that life has sent my way. Over the years things have gotten better, sometimes though a reminder that I am still broken comes my way, nothing specific just a word here or a misguided thought there  and everything comes flooding back, I have nobody to blame for that apart from myself, its no good looking for reasons, what is done is done, such is life and its lemons.....

The sky is Green, the earth is flat and Spinach tastes like Oranges.

 Of course those statements are utter crap, but they do sort out who's listening and who isn't. 

Listening to someone close to the edge can be at times both rewarding and utterly devastating, I've struggled to find people willing to listen, to not judge how or who I am, it has been a struggle, that is it's been a struggle until a couple of weeks ago, then things changed, maybe not for the better but they are changing, perhaps one day the changes may be for the better, right now, I don't think that they are, but they are necessary, let me explain.......

So it happened a couple of Fridays ago, just another day in my dreary old world, except for one slight difference, I got drunk so blind drunk that I blacked out on several occasions, the memories are hazy and possibly made up in my mind, I'm hoping they are not that way, they do seem real to me. Anyway the place to start the Lumley pub in Skeg, its a Rock-a-Billy night going on, not my thing normally but the vodka and coke is going down so well that it doesn't matter too much.

Having quit smoking now over a year ago, its not my thing to go outside for a smoke anymore, but just to be sociable it is a good thing to do, maybe I had a smoke, maybe I didn't, it don't matter that much, although going off on a tangent for a minute, my health has seriously deteriorated since I quit! Do I want to start again? you bet, but I simply can not be arsed with it.

Where to go now? bit of a block going on atm, just wait on one second, hmmmm, yep okay so I'm going to mention a name, it has been changed, I don't want the lady involved to get embarrassed or pissed off if she reads this. Lets call her Jayne.

Okay, so I'm stood in the doorway of the Lumley, and Jayne comes out, we start chatting, I've no idea what was actually said, the Vodka had really taken hold by now, but by all accounts I invited her down to Busters for a bit of drinking and a bop or three, whatever bop might mean?

I must tell you about Jayne, she is an ex girlfriend, one of quite a few, we will get back to that eventually, this is going to be a long long chapter and may take more than one night to get out properly, the thing is I've so much going on in my head that I need to get it out onto this blogg, not all of it, that will happen later, the need to write is there though, yet again going off on a tangent, must stop doing that!

Right, where were we? ahhh yes the Lumley, anyway I invite Jayne, she says maybe? whatever that means and departs off home, back into the Lumley I head and theres some form of music going on, its not the usual stuff I'm into, hell I don't even know the tune but it got me dancing, I've never danced to that kind of music before, perhaps it was the vodka, perhaps it was just me being happy! or perhaps just perhaps it was the music?

Time got called, as it does, it always happens at the height of enjoyment, it's like really crap sex, just getting into it and then its over, such an anti climax. Out the pub we go and do my friends want to carry on in Busters? nope, they do not, but they are a bit older than me, so I cant blame them for needing an early night.

Busters.....how did I get there? you tell me? could it be I walked or took a taxi? both options could be correct, however i don't recall, probably walked. Now things get really hazy, I do recall talking to perhaps 4 people, two I've never met before, but they were in the que to get in, a man and a woman, she was dressed in blue and looked smart, him, looked a bit rough, like the great unwashed, I will get back to these two eventually, they are part of the story, we shall call her woman in blue, and him, rough man.

I do recall chatting to these two a few times twice in Busters, once on the smoking balcony, and once outside Cush (Cush, is the nightclub below Busters) so perhaps we chatted on four different occasions, I have no idea why, I've never seen them before or since.

The other chat was to a guy I used to work with many years ago, he's not important to the story but he is part of the memories.

I've got to go out....

Carry on with this at some point tomorrow, night night for now. 

I started this last Thursday night, its now Tuesday.......

Okay so its a few days later, most of the above is gone now, its history, long story short, I've been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Big whoop, it was a relief to know, and caused me some grief both at home and in my day to day business, the biggest part of it is stopping the over thinking and the anxiety. 1 in 3 people have PTSD so its not a real big deal, except that it is, those 4 words explain a lot about what I've been doing over the last 4 or 5 years, the pattern has become clear. So what am I doing? I'm breaking the pattern! breaking what is wrong with me, getting back to my beginnings, discovering who I am again.

So to begin with I've been hurting people, not intentionally, but I have been doing so, theres not a lot I can do about that, some have been deserving others not so, the ones that understand will come out with me on the other side as true friends the others will be left behind. I've given some strength to soul vampires, those people that revel with happy people, suck the strength out of them and make them miserable, those associations will end, not right away but they will be going. I've thrown myself back into the gym, a healthy body does not make a healthy mind, but it is a start. 

As I'm writing this theres some nice meditation music going on, my flat is warm, my body is at peace with itself and my mind is hell bent on writing again. Writing cleanses my soul, cleanses like nothing else does its very hard to describe, but I'm sure everyone has something that feels the same way. Meditation has found its way back into my life, not for long this evening but I plan on doing some every day, not only to cleanse my mind but also my soul, what I'm going to do about my black heart I just don't know, perhaps going back all these years after following the wrong path will lead to my role in life, we shall see, perhaps this path is again the wrong one? 4 or 5 years its taken to find that I'm on the wrong one, a matter of days to get back to the start point and begin again, I hope that I've enough time left in this world, theres so much to do and so many things to see, so many people to help and so many things in this world that I have not yet done.

Every day I try to build a new bridge with somebody that I have hurt or dismissed out of my life as irrelevant when in fact everyone is relevant, be it they are in my journey for days or weeks or years, some I'm sure are hurdles to be jumped over or moved out of the way, others are angels meant to show the right path, the trick is spotting the angels from amongst the hurdles, not an easy task, one thing I've done though is let my mind lapse, I've let my body grow weak and unconditioned for so long that getting it into shape has taken over keeping my brain on the straight and narrow, to the point where I am on the verge of mental collapse, going back into the extremes of anxiety and over thinking, thinking too much about the small things in life, focusing on one bad point has taken me right to the edge again. I see it now for what it is, nothing, nothing at all, its so inconsequential and trivial.

Not an hour ago I spent some time going back to meditation, clearing my mind of the day to day bullshit that builds up, honestly its like taking out the rubbish, only its not been taken out for 6 months or a year or 2 years, its going to take a few days or weeks to sort things out, I am going to come out of this a happy middle aged fit bloke raring to go and ready to kick life in the balls again, I do have to try not to let things stand in the way though. So while I was meditating I play with a pack of meditation cards, at the end I draw 3 off at random and try to get a lesson from each one.

The first one is titled Unslfconsciousness, one of the lessons is:- I am a small wave in the ocean of existence.

That's very true, no matter how important we feel that we are, or how unimportant we actually are, we are but a small, very small wave in a very big ocean that's been producing waves for billions of years.

The second one, Prayer, one of the lessons:- May I be granted absolution from the wrongs that I have inflicted on others.

I hope that I can, its too late for some, I would never attempt to build bridges, nor would any be accepted, but hopefully in time, I can build a few or hand out a few ropes to bring those I've hurt back just a little, I can but try.

Lastly number 3, Awakening:- I am now awakening to a new world. 

Right now I'm not sure that I am, its the same as it was last week, last year, a decade ago, theres a strange feeling that my world is changing though, its a strange sensation, quite alien, I'm in control of some of it, other parts not as much, perhaps it will pass, perhaps it will grow bigger and stronger and be a big part of my life until things are as they should be? Ying and Yang in action? For every action theres an opposite and equal reaction? so for those years on the wrong path will it now be a few years on the right path? only I can make that choice, I've been wrong for a long time, perhaps now, knowing what I've done and what I've been through the time of healing and growing is finally happening?

Only time will tell.

COMPLEX LIKE AN ONION

Its been a while, life as usual has its ups and downs, right now its down, properly down, nothing seems to be going right, I don't ask for much, a good woman to share my life with, that's it, how simple is that? Well its difficult very very difficult, firstly I have no real understanding of women, they are a complete mystery to me. Perhaps I'm so fixated on sharing my life with someone, that I'm missing the point? but what the hell is the point? again its just a mystery to me.

So lets try to get back to basics, whats going on in my life? well not a whole lot its all rather hum drum, all hey ho, just another day. Things must be low I'm listening to Peter Gabriel's Don't Give Up and it's causing water works, such a powerful song. What do I wish my life to be? should I be happy with my lot or should I strive for more, I'm now 46 years old on the outside, inside I'm still some teenager trying to burst out, as the years go by that's becoming increasingly difficult, this year so far has been utter misery, its not a good year, I hope to somebody that it improves! Improves drastically for so far it is crap, going out on new year was just silly, yet again I didn't listen to my gut feeling and went out, when will I learn? I'm not sure I do any more, the same mistakes over and over.

Now its Guns and Roses November Rain, one of the deepest darkest songs ever to grace my hearing! so what would I like to be doing with my life? I've not got a fucking clue, things just seem to be one long conveyor belt, work, home, work, home, home, work, it never ends, just on and on and on, its like a bad storm that wont go away, but that's the nature of the beast, the catch 22 of life, you've got to work to live, but one should not live to work, keeping the two separate is a fine line, especially in a good job, that thankfully I can say I have. 

Filling the spare time now that's the thing, I suspect a lot of people don't do anything but watch TV! I have to admit my problem is the PlayStation, its over used to the point of addicted, and its all mostly just one stupid game......GTA!! So what can I do about it? box the thing back up and stash it at my dads for a while? same could be done with my TV, get back to basics, learn how to have a life again, life was simpler without a tv!

So what else can I do, what exactly is making me unhappy right now? well I'm lounging in bed writing this, listening to music, what is not to be happy about? Well you know there's nothing that springs to mind, so it must be something else, but what is it, I'm happy going to the gym 3 times a week, I'm not so happy that over the weekend some of my muscle tone has disappeared, where the fuck has it gone? stupid muscle! I guess going back to the gym tomorrow will help that, so no biggy! no biggy! yea right, its fucking huge slaving away in the gym to get fit, have good muscle tone and enjoy life and the damn muscles bugger off over a weekend!

Now its Meatloaf, Bat Out of Hell. Crazily stupid song but its just fabulous, everyone at some point in their life hears and relates to Bat Out of Hell. Perhaps I should do something wild! have a complete life change, move the fuck out of this town and start a new life? thousands of people do, everyday, but what would that achieve for me? As some know, I was forced into that very thing a few years ago, do I need to do it again out of my own choosing? If I chose yea, what would I have to face to do so? its tempting so very very tempting, the challenge scares me, mainly because I would be doing it off my own back, what is left for me in this town? the night life is crap, well not if your 18, but 46 its rubbish, its no bloody good going out to party if your 30 years older than everyone else! oh fuck, to be 20 again, what I would do differently, its just incredible.

Now it's The Who, Who Are You, now that song I'm relating to, just who the fuck am I? I've no idea, no idea at all, no idea of my real direction, best as I can describe it is being like a leaf in the wind but still anchored to the tree, I can move with the breeze, or go my own way but I'm still anchored by the roots. The roots being my way of life right now, being in my flat is a root, its the home root, what fucking crap am I babbling on about? It's a writing thing, as usual the more i whack the keyboard, the more relaxed I become, the more clear things are, what is clear right at this very second is that things have to change, I'm stagnating, drowning in everyday bullshit! Someone once described me as being like an onion, complex with many many layers! The older I get the more I think she was right.

Motivation! I have none, so what am I going to do? how do I find some, where do I buy it from, is it a quick trip down the coop for a pint of milk and some bread or is it just lying around on the beach? I have no idea but I'm in need of some, so whats what then? hmmmm hang on I'm slipping back into utter drivel a change of song may help, something inspirational. Lynyrd Skynyrd Free Bird, might do the trick, that damn song goes on forever, but boy is it a good one! So am I a free bird? some might think so, the 20 year married bloke who yearns to live the life I'm living, the 5 years divorced, single, free bloke, good job, good car, good apartment. I'd swap it in an instant for something real, that something I've never experienced, that feeling that's always been just out of reach, that feeling of knowing you've found the one. The one you just know your going to share your life with, share every living moment with, until the day one or the other dies, I'd swap all I have for just one moment of that feeling, but then I would be greedy and never wish to give the feeling back.

John Miles now Mr Blue Sky......yea some blue sky would be nice! a nice sunny day, just say fuck it, grab the cameras, jump in the car and fuck off for the day, where would I go? yep you've guessed it, no bloody idea at all, again a lack of motivation, where the hell has it gone? on the other side, where does it come from? where the inspiration for writing all this drivel? I've no idea! I do know I'm going to have to get a drink soon the thirst is upon me, perhaps a Gin and Tonic, not had one for a while, perhaps its also time to shave all my hair off again, this hair growing lark is just pissing me off, I mean whats the point of it? Grow ya hair get it stiled and look like either a thug or a prick? its beyond me, perhaps I should just grow it again and never have another cut!

That's better, Gin and T, mixed with a bit of Bonnie Tyler, that Eclipse of the heart song, what the hell do I do now? I'm drawn between listening to Bonnie because its such a powerful song, drinking my GnT and typing more drivel for my own dark personal pleasure, cant do all three at once, oh fuck hahaha my play list has just turned Bat Out of Hell on again, Gin time! The brain is a funny old thing, take mine for instance, I'm fairly sure I have one, not sure where it is though, like most men I'm damn sure I think through my cock more than anything else, but if that's the case why and how can I sit in bed at night writing all this stuff? stuff that I wouldn't dare say out loud to anybody, yet I can put it on some digital diary for the whole world to digest. It's just crazy!

So to find some motivation, lets have a look at my bucket list as it is now.......

Fly in a jet
Learn to fly a glider
See the northern lights
Use my passport, again

Not much is it? the things I can never do list is a bit longer

Be in the Olympics
Ride a horse in the Grand National
Win a championship
Sing (in key)
Act, in a play 
Write a novel or three and get published
dance (well)
 Be a Vampire!

All those things are so far out of my reach, that they will always remain a dream, one that breaks my heart, but still a dream none the less.

The tears and sadness is back now, it must be the Gin, I guess its not called mothers ruin for no reason, why am I taking this life so seriously at the minute? its the only one I've got, so why cant I shake the impending feelings of doom and gloom, its so different to how things were no more than 20 days ago, is it the post Christmas blues? or the fact January takes everything to get through and lasts for about 83 days! one thing is for sure though, no matter what I'm not going to resort back to the happy pills, of a few years ago, I am and always will be stronger than that, perhaps now and then I loose sight of that, loose sight of just how strong and resilient I can be, sometimes just sometimes its good to say fuck it!

So here goes......

FUCK IT!!

FISHING

Fishing! its a funny old game, I'm not talking about fish, you understand I'm talking about the other type of fishing. The fishing, where the fish walk amongst all of us, we all put out different lures to catch what we hope will be a good fish, some times we are lucky and we hook the right one straight away and that's it for life, that's what I call lucky!

Others may cast a few lines, catch some tasty tit bits but ultimately return them to the sea, that's nature working as it should, if the fish is not up to scratch then back they go into the ocean. Still more will spend years casting lines out and reeling in those tasty morsels that remind us what life is like, the adventurous ones that party all weekend, then meet life head on during the week, sleep for a day or two then party all over again. Ones that like the home life, a nice glass of wine and nibbles in front of the TV,  a good film and snuggles on the settee. Some just like to bring into the world other fish, somebody has to keep the sea stocked, right?

I've got to admit, my fishing is rubbish! perhaps I'm using the wrong bate or the wrong line or I'm just wrong at fishing! no matter, my lines are all fouled up, I tend to attract the fish that have already been caught! the bored fish, with nothing to do during the day, or the ones that would like a taste of the bait now and again without nibbling on the hook, just a dabble now and again without any thought for long term. 

I've just about given up, I cast the line out now only rarely, its much easier to bite on other  lines, get reeled in and if I don't like what I find then jumping back in the sea is always an option. That's not strictly true though, the older I get the less my fishing options, or that's how it seems, it pains me sometimes to see other fishes being content with their lot, reeling in that catch of a lifetime, getting on with each other like Spam and Cheese. 

I live in hope though, one day my true fish will take that nibble of bait, get hooked and not be worthy of casting off, one day, maybe not anytime soon but one day.....until then, if it happens at all, I am happy with my lot in life.

The above diatribe has nothing at all to do with why I started writing tonight! I was feeling a bit shit about myself, a bit down about the world, just a bit down in general, a bit tired, a bit mugged off about everything really. I've lots of things to be happy about, that's a lie, not a lot is in my world at the minute to be happy about.

See I met a fish that was dressed in wolf's clothing, the bait was good, very very good, the hook slowly, ever so slowly wormed its way in until, this fish was well and truly caught. Then the wolf's clothing started to fall off, I should have listened to my inner self, listened to the part of me that shouted, noooooooooooooo! 

Did I do that? like buggery I did, the bait was just too good, see this fish knew how to lie, to lie and deceive very well indeed, to the point where everything this fish said was a lie, a lie that the fish believed herself. I fell for it, hook line and lie. 

Thinking the fish was being honest I believed that everything she said was true, the part about her marriage being over, the part about her husband not living with her anymore, the part where she said that being separated was just that, separated. Turns out the whole lot was a lie, all of it. 

A very very angry husband turned up at my door. I would have been angry too, very bloody angry. 

My faith in fish has been torn to shreds, my confidence has taken a very very good beating, not only has my heart been broken but I'm angry that I was taken in and used like a very gullible fish (which I was). 

After that life has changed for me, it has no purpose anymore, no real meaning, how can I believe that things happen for a reason? With a fish like that about the reason is very obscure. So obscure that I don't think there is a reason, there is no reason for one fish to treat another fish like that, not one that I can find, anyway.

Everything happens for a reason.....

Does it? I'm beginning to think not, how can things possibly happen for a reason? There is no rime or reason for anything, the whole world is built on random! Its a random world, it just has to be, is there a reason I no longer care about the direction of my life? I pay my rent when I should, but that's only so I don't live on the streets, that I don't want to do, but does it matter? Is the homeless guy I see everyday happy with his lot in life? Oddly I think that he is. Why would he be happy doing what he's doing? Would I be? I doubt it, but then I'm not happy right now at all, so what am I going to do?

Cast the line out again, that's what, pick my sorry for myself arse off of the floor, dust myself down, stop thinking too much and get on with life, oh and every now and then, just take time out to write a few words or a paragraph or a chapter, just to keep myself on the level.....

One Day

One day, I may tell all about the skeletons I've dragged for miles and miles, because I couldnt shake them off.

One day I may tell all about the haunted forest I got lost in because I couldnt find my way.

One day I may yell from the rooftops about all the mountains I have climbed.

One day I may whisper about the dark paths I have walked to get this far.

One day I will tell all about the darkness I have lived with, but only while laid on my back looking at the stars.

The one thing that keeps me going? the complete and utter blind faith that one day I will love and be loved again.

Gaz West 11th August 2018

The off and on again switch

Okay I'm back! first time writing anything this year, I'm not sure that I still can, we shall see. So whats been happening? Well going to the gym has taken up some of my time, although I'm getting bored with it and oddly enough not finding the time! and here I was at the end of last year bored! 

The gym hmmmm well what can I say? the place is full of cockwombles! absolutely crammed with them! narcissistic arseholes all looking in the mirrors, congratulating themselves on how good they look! yea right, go waggle those huge but tiny egos at somebody that gives a shit! so why am I doing it? mainly for my own personal reasons. I'm now easily middle aged, so for the last half of my life I have abused my body, you know the sort of thing, drinking, smoking, fatty foods, drugs etc etc anything that wasn't good for me went in, now its all changed, for whatever reason living a healthy or best I can healthy life style seems quite important. Not that I give too much of a shit but another 45 years mooching around doing stuff would be good!

What else? I'm finally nicotine free, yep 30 odd years dedicated to nicotine, worshipping that particular god was good, but now its over, I had my last ciggy 2 years ago but transferred the habit into vaping, 8 weeks ago a chest infection caught up with me, so no vaping for a week. At the end of that week I just thought fuck it and sold all my kit, I didn't think it would be a big deal, but it has been the cravings over the last 6 weeks have been massive, not for ciggies or nicotine but for the vape! that surprised me, surprised me a lot. Over it now though, cigs and vape, smell equally bad!

How about a good sex story? Well I haven't got one ha ha or should I make one up? I dunno we shall see. 

What else? not much really, oh yea I did give my ex wife a good yelling at! felt bloody good too, reduced her to tiny bits, should have done it bloody years ago! silly cow should not talk about me, hell I know I can talk about myself on here and you can all read it if you like, but none of you are probably going to talk about me, so why should she? the silly fucker didn't even have the intelligence to know when she was beaten. Tiny tiny pea brain, how does she survive?

The fiction chapter is still swirling around in my brain, that may come to frutition soon, or it might just keep on swirling for a while, there is definitely a further bigger picture forming.

My car! oh dear poor Christine, shes getting on a bit, bless her, another mot this month and yep she needs a bit of surgery, new glow plugs, nice oil change and she should be good for another year, fingers crossed.

Other than that things are a bit quiet, the photography mojo is returning, I can feel it, slowly rising like a badly drunken reverse titanic, the holes are getting fixed and the rot is being pumped out, a couple of more months and things should be ship shape again, the past few weeks my phone has been taking pics and video, its not good enough though, so the cameras will come out again!

I'm struggling tonight, its been a bit of a heavy day, not at work or anything like that but heavy at home, a serious conversation has taken place, that at my end consisted of a great deal of pain and some tears being shed, silly pain really, but to me it was a serious thing, and it seems ludicrous shedding tears over the simplest thing.....just sharing this blog......yet nearly 3000 other people have perused my babbling! what was happening inside for that to happen? I'm not sure, I think before I know the answer I have to sleep on it, stupid really. 

That's it, as normal my brain is travelling a million thoughts a second but my head is empty! what is that all about? an on or off switch would be real nice! 

 BORED

I'm bored, bored stupid, simple as that, bored. I'm not sure why perhaps its the time of year, or perhaps its just life, I don't know for sure. Nothing exciting is happening to speak of, nothing interesting to write about, I don't particularly want to carry on with that fiction chapter. Perhaps next year for that. So whats wrong with me then? why am I bored?

It's not like I have nothing better to do, there's plenty going on out in the world, us humans call it Christmas, over the last few years Xmas has thrown me into a funk of depression, that doesn't seem to be happening this year, perhaps its an acceptance thing? accepting that spending Xmas alone is actually quite pleasant or just blatantly ignoring the time of year, both are fairly easy to do this year.

The need to write has been pretty vague recently, not such a burning desire as it has been but as always when I do start the familiar need to keep bashing away at the keyboard takes over and I almost instantly relax both my body and my mind. Trouble is that's when the drivel starts, like tonight I've no clear picture of what to write about its just happening, my fingers bash the keys on the old lap top while the brain is switched off, like somebody else just splurging all this crap out, why does it happen? Its a mystery to me.

So whats been happening? not out in the big wide world but in my own little universe? well not a lot, I'm starting to brew my own vape, that kept my mind occupied for all of about ten days, now I have two batches of Raspy Nipples sat in my airing cupboard maturing away, they might be ready in mid January, it's like producing wine! the longer they are left the better they should be, why everyone doesn't produce their own I don't know, it is a fairly simple process.

Facebook and all the other social media stuff I find are pretty tedious this time of year, all the merry Xmas blah blah blah rubbish just gets on my tits, not in an annoying way more of an irritation, bit like an insect bite, ignore it and it will go away, same with the Xmas programmes on TV, stupidly irritating but everyone knows how to make those go away, or at least a sane person does. 

Cheggers Plays Pop!! Saturday Swap Shop! two of the best programmes on TV back when we only had a black and white TV its kind of sad to realise that one of those presenters has just passed away, another childhood face gone forever, funny but I don't associate cheggers from those days with the 60 year old that's just died, life is strange. It took me nearly a decade to figure out how Posh Paws got his name, not too bright sometimes. I wonder where that stuffed purple animal is now?

Walking and exercise are getting boring, tea is still the order of the day, a coffee now and then does no harm, in fact I enjoy one now more than I ever have, hell the highlight of my day today has been a walk to MacDonald's and back for a coffee and I then wonder why I'm bored! Its pretty damn simple really, nothing interesting is happening!

So whats this year been like? well from my perspective its been pretty damn good, I've discovered that I enjoy writing, the more I write the more I enjoy it, so why don't I do a little every day? good question. One that I cant answer, perhaps I don't want it to turn into a chore or just maybe I've not got that much to waffle on about. The highlights of my year? hmmmmmm coming off the anti-depressants, going boating, discovering a few new places and getting to know a few new faces.

The lows? coming off the anti-depressants! getting sick and having someone take a piss in my bedroom! that particular incident pissed me off big style, but hey ho such is life sometimes, other than that its been a pretty quiet year, I've no complaints apart from this boredom thing, I'm happy to still be alive and kicking. 

So that's probably it for this year, I doubt anything interesting will happen between now and new year that's worthy of writing about, that's the good thing about not knowing whats in the future, whats just lurking around the corner, whatever it is, I hope it relieves this boredom hahahahaaaaaaaa

Merry Christmas and a happy new year to you all

Bored.....bored....bored

 AWAY INTO FICTION

 This chapter started as all the other chapters have started as just another story from my life, but something changed, the more I went into it, the more I wanted to branch out into something different. I'm not sure if I should be happy or shy or embarrassed about publishing this, perhaps all 3, anyway hope you all enjoy. Gaz 


Death, takes many forms, stalks in many ways, its always there constantly looking over all our shoulders. Day or night 24 hours a day 7 days a week from birth to, well death. I know not to fear death now, its nothing to worry about, its inevitable, the one thing not a single person alive and reading this can escape from, but death can be cheated, it is possible to look death straight in the face and then step back, back from oblivion, back from that darkness.

I discovered death a couple of months ago in a hospital bed, nothing too major just a gangrenous appendicitis, lying on my back trying not to scream in agony, waiting for the pain relief to kick in, the thought entered my head "Gaz your going to die". That changed things I calmed down the pain receded and I knew it to be true, untreated I was most definitely going to die, a 100% certainty.

How things can change so quickly, just two days before id been fit, healthy, happy enjoying life. Over night a pain developed in my belly, nothing major just a bout of food poisoning no big deal just drink lots of water, clean my system out, maybe take some pain killers. Might go away in a few hours or a couple of days a week at most, if only it was that simple!

The pain didn't go away, it got worse, I started having a fever, running hot and cold, this is complete gibberish, its not what I want to write about at all, its a dark time in my life that I'd like to put behind me but its changed me, not for the good either. Having my belly cut open and going through a 3 hour operation has screwed me up, screwed me over, fucked me up, however I look at things it has changed me, I fear not for the good. I'm angry now, angry about nothing, angry about everything. I don't seem to be able to do anything about it, the more i try not to be angry the more angry I get, I just don't know what to do anymore, its extremely frustrating!!

So what can I do? just go with the flow perhaps? screw myself into the ground worrying about it or just, just what? I have no fucking idea!!

So what should I write about? my feelings that I cant explain to myself? try to explain how frustrating everything is? how bad I feel about something that was out of my control? how self conscious I now feel about my belly, my whole body in general? or should I write about Vampires!

Vampires! pffft everyone and his slave are on the vampire bandwagon, perhaps a good sex story? yea right that's been done to death as well, well okay, then how about a vampirish sex story? yep, getting somewhere now but not quite there yet.

As much as I'd like too sex is a good subject to write about, perhaps write about some personal experiences but mix things up a bit, I'm tired of writing about myself, you see nothing interesting happens to me, my life is dull, dull as murky dish water. My minuscule existence in this world is only interesting to me, so why not, yes fuck it.

Or my life was dull, its not dull anymore, all of a sudden I have a purpose, a purpose that I can fill. Fill my life with words, with letters that go together to make chapters, chapters that make books, books and more books. I'm bursting now bursting with things to write about, just writing this drivel has given me a purpose again, something to strive for, something to do!

Vampires!

My mind keeps returning to them, fascinating creatures, so clever, so dark, so scary, but sexy so very very sexy. You see I'd like to be one, but how does one become a vampire? ask any vampire and they will tell you they don't exist, they are just a figment of feverish minds but are they? Is it possible that those sexy creatures of the night are so intertwined with fiction that nobody believes they exist?

I think they do exist, like fairies at the bottom of your garden, you cant see them, cant hear them but you know they are there. See, you have to believe, if you believe you will hear them, see them, feel them, I believe. I believe in life after death, in vampires, in fairies, in a world of my own making that perhaps, just perhaps I can put into words for you all to enjoy, well first of all just for me to enjoy.

Yes, that's the most important thing, to put it into words, for my own enjoyment, for my own selfish pleasure.

So here we go then, into a world of the unknown, a world that is for my own selfish needs, a world that will be brutal, beautiful, sexy, filled with blood, devoid of life, a world of the dead.

Now where were we? Oh! yea my operation. Hmmmmm yea well things didn't quite go as planned, you see there was a few complications. Complications that I had no control over, no choice in the matter at all. The exact details are fuzzy in my mind, my mind! ha, yea, a mind that remains foggy, that is not going to clear any time soon, its so frustrating.

The operating theatre's walls were a funny colour red, why would they be red? Lots of people seemingly just milling around, all dressed in funny blue uniforms, odd looking people, all wearing masks, except one, just the one strange woman, standing casually in the corner, face indistinct, but wearing a cloak of dark purple. She struck me as funny, something odd in her appearance. I couldn't quite place what was funny about her.

Its only now recalling these events that I remember her, strange as it sounds I don't remember a lot, the more I write these things down the more I remember, like a home movie being played in my mind. Next I know, a clear mask is being lowered over my face, theres cool air coming through the mask, it feels calming, I am calm. Why am I calm? I should be on the verge of panic, these people are going to cut me open, cut parts out of my body, mutilate me! I have to trust them, they should know what they are doing, dear god I hope they do!

My head starts to get heavy, theres an overwhelming feeling of getting heavier, my body doesn't feel like its mine anymore, I have no body, I'm just a pair of eyes looking out of a head that no longer belongs to me. That's a strange idea, that I'm just a pair of eyes, fascinating. Could it be, is it possible? possible that I am literally just a pair of eyes? That thought is so ridiculous! If I'm just a pair of eyes then I should be able to look around me.

Darkness takes over, a delicious sweet darkness, its neither heavy or light, its just a non descript darkness. Perhaps that's not the correct word, nothing, yes that's it theres nothing. So if theres nothing why am I looking at the woman in the corner?

I can see her now, blond hair, blue eyes, bright red lips, but shes as white as marble, I can see she is old, extremely old yet she looks to be in her early 30s. I have no idea who she is or why she's standing in the corner of the operating theatre, whats going on? I cant move, yet I know that if I wanted to I could get up and walk over to her. So why don't I? it seems a good idea, just casually move over to her.

So that's what I do, just get up and walk over to her, that cloak is amazing! a real rich deep Purple, I've never seen a more vivid colour! Hang on I'm at the very beginnings of a major operation so how can I possibly be up and walking around? That thought is gone just as quickly as it appeared, its irrelevant, not interesting, nearly boring, what is interesting is the woman standing before me, she is tall, very very tall, I'm six foot and a bit, yet I have to look up to see her face, those eyes! Deep blue and twinkling like the very brightest of stars. She smiles at me, a warm welcoming smile.

We stand looking at each other, could just be for a second or two, or minutes, maybe hours, I just don't know, it doesn't seem important. The folds of her cloak start to unravel, a slow deliberate movement, like shes not trying to startle or scare me, do I need to be scared? perhaps I should be? No I don't need to be scared, her hand appears from the cloak, shes holding a scroll. This is getting weird now! 

She holds the scroll out towards me. I look at the scroll then look up at her, theres a slight questioning look on her face, I know now what I have to do, take the scroll from this strange woman and read it. Okay that's easier said than done, the scroll looks old, very very old, its yellow with age, with my luck it will probably be written in Latin or Welsh or some such forgotten language.  With just a slight tremble to my hand I reach out my right hand, she places the scroll into my hand, all this time we have not said a word to each other. 

I look down at the scroll I can see that it is indeed very old, its tied closed with a small red ribbon in a neat little bow, with my left hand I take one of the bows ends and begin to pull, the knot springs open surprisingly easily. The scroll also springs open like its got a mind of its own, I can see a jumble of numbers and letters seemingly thrown onto the scroll in a random manner but the more I look at it the more the letters and numbers arrange themselves until finally they make a list. My eyes just scan over the list quickly not taking any of it in, theres a collum of numbers on the left, with a row of words next to each number, at the top there is some writing in bold I read....

To be reading this, you are dead

A shiver of fear races from my head down my spine through my legs and into my feet! dead! fuck! dead! fuck fuck fuck! dead! well shit isn't that just fantastic! no fuck, I cant be dead! I've just got my life sorted out things cant be ending now, life is just getting interesting! shit shit and double shit!

I look up into the face of the woman, she gazes back at me, looks me straight in the eyes and winks at me! well, hell no, this cant be happening! theres no way I'm dead! I'm dreaming! that's it, yes I'm dreaming, I will wake up any moment now, operation sorted, alive and kicking. It doesn't happen, I don't wake up! My mind explodes in a picture of clarity, if I turn around I can see what the doctors and nurses are doing to me, if I can see that I will wake up! 

I damn near pirouette around as fast as I can, the sight that greats me is just devastating, all of a sudden I know I'm not dreaming, I know that it is true that I am indeed dead. My body turns numb, all thoughts leave my mind. I'm stunned completely and utterly in shock. I'm looking at myself on the operating table, I can see a gaping wound in my belly, from my belly button down to my groin, oddly theres no blood pumping out, there should be blood! I look at my face, then I know for damn sure that this is real, I look dead, my eyes are closed my mouth and nose are blue and most obviously of all I'm not breathing!

I see a clip board resting on my legs just below that awful wound, there's a pink sheet of paper attached to it, I scan over it quickly some of the words catch my eye and I read:-

CAUSE OF DEATH

 

UNKNOWN

TIME AND DATE OF DEATH

10:27 AM     27TH JULY 2017 

London and a far away place.......

Where to start? I feel bloody awful, coming of these happy pills is killing me! I wont give up, I can't, quitting is not what I'm about. I feel like my perspective of the world is changing, not for the better either. My mother is back in hospital, god knows how long its going to go on for this time, we shall see. 

I've got a week of work, feels like its just a couple of days, it should be a bloody month! Christine came back after her MOT, passed with flying colours. What does that saying mean? passed with flying colours? its crazy. The William Tell Overture is playing on You Tube and I'm bursting! bursting to write! I want to talk about lots of things but putting it all in order is an absolute bitch! its just flowing out in any old order, the faster the music gets the faster I type!

Intercity 125! a bloody train haha my first trip to London via train, Skeggy to Grantham then a 125 into the big smoke, I remember it purely because of some strange woman and her hamster. Who would take a furry little rodent on a train? at 10 years old it seemed amazing! Imagine it, first trip into the big city, sitting opposite a woman with a cage on the table, whats in the cage? curiosity is a funny thing. 

Just fleeting images after that, the outskirts of London, those poor idiots living next to the main railway line, they must be nuts, to a small time country kid like me it just doesn't seem normal. Getting off the train, I've never seen so many people! grown ups wearing bowler hats, mixing with punks with bright purple hair, mini skirts with laddered tights, the culture shock is enormous! My tiny brain can't cope with all the new information, just bits of it get stored for later retrieval, like now, funny what triggers these memories.

I'm in London for a week with my Auntie Pat, she has two cats, Foxy and Scamp, they are buggers haha they run away from a monster like me, cant say I blame them, its play time for me, those cats had other ideas! That night it was hot, way to hot for me, I'm used to being next to the sea where its cool, not the stifling oppressive heat of the big city. What memories do I have of that week? not many, going on the Cutty Sark, a mooch around Queenie's old tower, that place with traitors gate, seeing the so called crown jewels, not too impressed with them, just stuffy old crap in cases. HMS Belfast stays with me forever, first time I'd been on a real ship and seeing Tower Bridge open to let some American cruise ship through, to tie up next to HMS Belfast. Oddly enough it was full of septic tourists, loud and gobby people, I didn't like them much.

My first trip on the tube, up to the Westend to catch a show, sat opposite some woman in a white top with no bra, to a 10 year old watching her boobs bouncing up and down to the rhythm of the train was fascinating, if I'd know then what fun boobs could be, I'd have been embarrassed, or maybe not paid so much attention to them. Funny what a brain remembers. The show, Paul Daniels, that so called magician fella, absolute pile of shite, bored silly for most of his show, lots of singing by some old bag, I swear he was on stage for about 10 minutes at most, very disappointing!

That's pretty much it, the lights of Piccadilly Circus, a trip on a tourist bus, the bloke Paul's cathedral, some old bones in a museum, 10 Downing Street closed because of IRA bombs, its just another street in a big place of many streets, the roads are not paved with gold, paved with dog shit, but that's about it, dirty horrible place but fun at the same time, definitely an eye opener.

That was my week in London many years ago with my Auntie Pat.

Pat passed on yesterday, good old New Zealander, smoked like a chimney, drank Gin like it was going out of fashion, crashed cars like the best or worst race car driver but best of all planted the seed of a dream to visit New Zealand. I've never managed to visit, as yet, that is going to change maybe not this year or next but it will happen. My bucket list has been added to, it's is to see those far away islands on the other side of the world.

RIP Auntie Pat

Gaz xxx

So whats happened in the last couple of months?

Well the simple answer is not much but in truth quite a lot, besides work commitments, which I'm not going to bore you all with. I work in a bingo hall, its bingo, simples. Leave it at that.

Hair! I have some again. Yea I know, not much of a biggy you might think, but for the last few years I have shaved the lot off every few weeks, I've finally got fed up with the convict look, so I'm going back to the real me, growing a Lemmy beard, which is driving me nuts, I recon sometime I might get used to it but I doubt it, and the stuff that grows on the top of my head? well that's just a bloody mess, spiky and flat, curly and straight all at the same time. Honestly its like a whole bunch of living live wires up there!

My mothers been in hospital, quite a worrying time, but shes home again now, and doing well, fingers crossed she recovers just fine, but I don't know for sure, that's ongoing so less said the better.

Christine, my Merc, is in for an MOT and a bit of work, fingers crossed she will be fine too, better be, i look after her fairly well, feed her, drive her, love her, hehehehe I might just treat her to a nice wax polish if she doesn't cost me too much money, no matter where life takes me or who I meet she is my constant faithful companion, bit like a dog, but less messy, we have no secrets.

Boaty MacBoaty! now that was a day out, I have a couple of friends who have their own houseboat, stupidly great big thing it is, 70 foot long ten foot wide and a bit of a handful. No big deal you might think, but the biggest boat I'd ever driven in my life was a rowing boat no more than five feet long. Anyways on this day the weather was perfect, sun shining, no wind, just a glorious sunny day, we cast off and heads off up the river (I'm not going to mention where, its my semi private get away, perhaps in time I will reveal all) ten minutes into the trip, I get to drive! oh boy was that an eye opener. For whatever reason, it felt natural, felt like I had done it before, no qualms with doing anything, turning round, reversing, doing figure eights, easy peasy. I felt at home! End of the day we had to get this boat into a gap with 2 and a half feet to spare on each end, I expected to crash several times, but no just slid in as pretty as you please, no qualms, no do overs, nothing, just quietly drove in and moored. Fantastic day, cant wait to do it again, unfortunately Boaty is broken at the minute.

Now the more serious part, as is covered in a previous chapter I'm on happy pills for depression. Have been for a couple of years now, they are easy things to take, one a day in the mornings, no big problem, the problem is getting off them. That is precisely what I'm doing, getting off them, I'm treating it just like any other addiction, cut down fairly slowly then just stop completely. Well its going to happen quicker than that, I've got about a weeks worth of smaller dosage ones, then its cold turkey. To put it frankly I'm scared, scared of what my mind will do, scared of going so far down again that there is no recovery. I have to keep thinking to myself that the state of mind is only temporary, that the chemical imbalance in my brain will equalise itself with time. I'm not going to hide the fact that the next few weeks or months is going to be a walk in the park it isn't, there's going to be lots of shit happening. The smallest thing may cause a mood swing, the slightest wrong word may cause a temper fit. 

I'm going to look on it as I do the rest of my life, one step further along the road, one more adventure to get through, maybe not the best adventure, but none the less an adventure. Damn I love adventures! Be it driving a boat, driving my car fast, a dirty woman or getting on a bike and going for a ride, life is too damn short to be anything but an adventure. 

Righty ho my fellow pirates and adventurers, that's me done for the night, see you all on the flip side very shortly, may all your dreams come true and your enemies be vanquished forever.

Gaz xxx

I keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason, one day I may grasp what that reason is, but for now I am happy with the confusion, the tears and the struggle of it all.......