THE FINISH AND A NEW START

For now this is the final entry, I have to let go. Its no good rehashing what is in the past, I cant change any of it. God I'm no saint, I am just as responsible as my ex wife, truth be known I'm probably responsible for hurting more people in the last two years than she has ever done. Why? Now that question is deep, very very deep, in some ways I took on her personality, took on her traits, took on a persona that is just not me. I've found it very difficult to shed that part of me, but life is coming back.

One of the bigger steps was admitting to myself that she wasn't entirely to blame, I could have stood up to her, said no this is wrong, stop. I didn't, I just let her get on with it, I'm no mouse, I am a strong happy individual. I forgot that, I was so busy trying to keep her and everyone else happy I forgot about myself, I forgot to look in the mirror every day and say to myself, I love you. Those words are so easy to say to anybody, but saying them to myself just went by the wayside. You have to be able to love yourself before you can love another.

So what has happened? Well over the last 18 months or so, I have been looking for something that didn't exist, the perfect relationship, the perfect partner for me, physically out there looking for it. Of course I haven't found it, I've felt sorry for myself for such a long time, put on a front that I thought nobody could see through, I was wrong, every body and their dog could see through my front, whats the point of not being me?

I'm in danger of becoming a cynical old man, just chasing something that doesn't and never has existed, before I know it, I will be too damn old, too weary and I suspect too tired to carry on, just a lonely old man living a dead life in a dead flat just living from one day to the next.

That's not how I want to spend the rest of my life, out in that big wide world is so much to explore, sights to see, cities to explore, a whole damn world to get lost in, whats the point of writing about a past that is behind me? I'm putting it to bed once and for all, there is nothing I can do to change it, why should I let it get to me? Finally I have realised it has made me a stronger person, for good or bad I shit you not the experiences have made me who I am, so just get on with this life its the only one I have, enough is enough.

So this is it, the final chapter, about the past, from here on in, its going to be my hopes, my dreams, something exciting that has happened or just a tirade if something pisses me off, it is going to be "the rest of my life in words and pictures"

I look forward to sharing it all with you....

Gaz xxx 

So where do I start? right now I'm laid in bed listening to Tina Turner, "We don't need another hero".  Sleep is calling, for the past week or so, I've neglected myself a little, tomorrow morning, my washing will go in the washer, a shave, a shower, tidy the pad up a bit, well a lot, resist the urge to shave my hair off. Yet again that is something that's just not me, I used to have hair down to my arse, being bald is crap and part of my dead persona. Damn my world is complex, I sometimes think there is more than one me, how can I be this contradictory with myself? After that who knows? I'm definitely going out into the world, perhaps for a coffee maybe a meal. Lets see what happens. Night night, sweet dreams world.