IMMINGHAM AND GETTING DRUNK

Christmas Eve 2014, what to do with the day? not a whole bloody lot!  Go out, get some food, some ciggies, buy a few items of clothing, light the fire and watch TV. Boring right? yep I thought so as well. 

That was ok for the day but what about the night? 

Things hadn't quite sunk in yet, in hindsight I was probably still in shock, there was no dark thoughts, no depression, no real thoughts or feelings about anything, just a kind of weird numbness feeling, hard to describe, but if the world had stopped spinning or some other major incident had occurred I wouldn't have noticed, or to be frank given a shit.

Bored shitless by now and I recon it was time to go out and let off a bit of steam, that's right, hit the booze!! The local pub was calling, "The County". Shower, Shit and Shave later, in my new togs I'm ready to go out for a night on the tiles. First time in what seemed like years!!

So the place is full of locals and in I toddle, yep you guessed it some funny "who the fuck are you?" looks, but ok I can handle that, no worries. First stop the bar for a pint. It goes down real well in roughly 20 seconds, the poor old barmaid didn't get time to give me my change from a tenner!!  Next pint is one to savour and that I did it was like nectar to a bee, glorious.

Looking around I spot a few interesting things, a motorbike hanging off the wall (I shit you not) a few photos and best of all some old friends that my mother got involved with. Chat and a catch up is the order of the day, interspersed with trips to the bar and nipping outside for a ciggy or three. There was a few lumpy jumpers about but my interest in those was zero.

The place by now was getting a bit lively, the pints were flowing (in me), happy Christmas music was playing and things felt real good, but not for long. 

As I'm sure most of you are aware booze is a depressant, happy to start with but eventually it will drag you down to its level and that's exactly what happened. By this time I'm starting to feel a bit down, a bit shit about myself, so I go outside for a ciggy. No worries on that score, but outside a drunk numpty thought it was good to be throwing his weight about. Giving people abuse and just generally being an ass,  for a while he didn't bother me, just other people. 

That didn't last long, minding my own business, just having a quiet smoke I hear "whats up with you, ya miserable fucker!!" I look up at him and yep, hes looking straight at me! Obviously I'm not going to tell him whats up with me, so he gets back "nothing", that wasn't good enough! He starts walking towards me and yep I feel threatened. Now this was a guy I've never met before in my life, no idea who he is, and I'm not exactly on top of the world.

Bear in mind opposite the pub theres the local nick, bound to be full of rozzers on Christmas eve right? 

The first thought going through my mind was "Christmas dinner in the nick!" the second was "why the fuck not!". So this numpty is approaching me and I'm feeling threatened, so what do I do? Yep that's what I thought too, so much to my surprise I lamp him one. Just the one, and he goes down like a sack of loose spuds, straight down, no messing. No seconds, nothing, he didn't even have the dignity to get up again.

What happened next was a surprise, look over at the nick, nothing! lazy buggers must be partying or some such, no Christmas dinner then. Things outside by now were suspiciously quiet, and I'm thinking to myself "this cant go well, I've just decked a local!! So casually as I could I finished the ciggy, stepped on it, walked very quietly back into the pub, back to the few acquaintances, they are all sat at a table, I plonk myself back down. Next I hear "well done mate, pain in the arse that bloke" and a pint magically appears!! All's good then thank fuck!

As these things go the beer kept flowing and flowing and flowing, from somewhere at the back of my mind a plan starts to form. (my plans are crap, worse when I'm drunkard) That motorbike on the wall kept getting my attention, it didn't leap out at me or anything, it just kept creeping into my consciousness like a good looking woman does. A few sneaky glances, a good gawp, then a few more sneaky glances, you get the idea.

Back to the plan, I'm going to steal the motorbike, drunk as a skunk in a crowded bar, in plain view of everyone, drunkard me is going to nick a motorbike! Well it seemed like a good idea. So here's the plan, move a few tables about, until one is directly below the bike, casually stand on the table and lift this bike off the wall.....

Things didn't quite work out that way, putting the plan into action, I started to move the table, what I didn't quite plan for is the fact other people were using the table. "Why are you moving the table?" "to steal that bike!" "No, your bloody not, fuck off home!" "what?why?" said drunkard me. "If you help me, nobody would notice" what do I hear back? "Well I could, but I'm the landlord, and that's my fucking bike, now fuck off home!" 

Point taken, drunkard me, goes quietly back to my temporary Christmas diggs, drunk as a skunk. One of the best most memorable nights ever!!