The Beginning

OK I'm going to try to describe the last few years of my life, while nothing particularly interesting is happening at the minute.

We have to travel back to the very begining, to lay the ground work so to speak. I was lucky enough to be born a man child way back in October 1972, yes a Libra, my scales never ever, not ever balance properly so my life is one long roller coaster of ups and downs. By now at the age of 44 I'm used to it. Today as I'm typing this things are neither up nor down but just right, that wont last. Could be a few days or a few weeks or maybe a month. Either way things will change soon enough.

Anyways fairly normal childhood, average education both in primary school and secondary school, although I skived for most of the second and third years of secondary I still managed to end up a prefect! how I don't know, possibly sympathy or apathy or just maybe because no bugger else wanted to be one, I still have the badge somewhere.

Leaving school at 16 my main ambition was to take the Queen's shilling (why its called that I have no idea, but the pay is slightly better than a shilling) so head first, blind and with not a clue about life the Royal Air Force became my home. For all of three months! stupid knee injury got me out of the military pretty damned quickly. (That story and others will be covered at a later date) 

 The next few years were spent bumbling around at various jobs, experiencing various aspects of life. Sex, drugs, and booze mostly for nearly a decade, I was most assuredly on a one way path to oblivion and an early grave. That is until my future wife walked into my life, the fact we hated each other to start with should have given me a clue to the horrors that would happen some years later. For obvious reasons I'm not going to use real names but for now we will call her Kathy.

5th June 2000 is a date I will not forget in a hurry, that's the day I married Kathy, the day when with every fibre of my being was screaming NO DONT at me, I should have listened, I didn't. Like the worlds daftest fool I said those fatefully silly words I DO!!

For the first half dozen years or so, everything was hunky dorry and tickety boo. I have to tell myself that, so I dont think about them too much. Then things started changing, just little things, inconsiquential small things, that eventually grew to be huge great stinking balls of hurt and despair, of lonliness, and a huge overwhelming feeling of hopelessness.

We started sleeping in seperate rooms, our marriage became an open relationship, we sold our wedding rings (no alarm bells on that one) we grew further and further appart. I became withdrawn into myself, Kathy was never in the house, we didnt speak for days on end, when we did it became a screaming match. Kathy would eventually completely loose her temper and get violent. 

What!! I hear you say? violence from a woman against a man? never happens. Well let me assure you it does. I was brought up to respect women, I'm no wife beater, sure I will argue with anybody, male or female, but get violent with a woman? Thats just not going to happen. Have you any idea what its like being with someone who uses violence to get what they want, but you cant do anything about it? 

It starts to become normal, I shit you not it turns into a normal way of life. Its normal to have to slam a door shut just in time to avoid a punch to the head. I thought so, after years of violent, pshycological abuse, I was in such a state I couldnt think straight for myself, couldnt do anything, couldnt see that how I was living was so very very wrong.

So what did I do? I buried my head in the sand, became a mouse, an inconvenience living alone in a bedroom. Nobody knew, nobody knew the truth, nobody to be perfectly honest with myself gave a shit. Why? because everyone I knew before I got married had moved on, Kathy in her own vindictive ways had removed all my friends, one way or another, it took a few years but it happend. To this day I have no idea how she did it or what she told them but it happened. 

As things have turned out, it has backfired on her, two of my closest friends now are ones she let me be friends with, turns out our bond of friendship is stronger than hers, she fell out with them, and thankfully there is no hope of a reprive! 

And thats how it was, my life right up to the 21st of December 2014 living a secret life of physical and pshycological abuse. 

At some point I will explain the mental side of things, just over two years later those wounds are still open and very painfull to think about, but I will try to face them, try to put them into words as best I can, not only to help me but if I can to help others that may read this.  

 Next day, 22nd of December, my life changed forever, changed in a very very good way, but at the time it was a very dark period of my life, full of evil wicked things, evil dark thoughts, taking me right to the brink of suicide and back. 

To be continued.........