Depression and Suicide Part 1

Its time, I cant keep avoiding this issue any longer, I've learnt today that my blog has inspired one person to seek help after going through a similar experience as me. That feels strange, all I'm doing is writing this as a form of self help, it is helping me a lot, knowing that it has helped another lost sole has inspired me to take this subject by the horns. I don't know how long it will take or how many parts it will be........

February 2015 hit me like a ton of bricks, I went from flat out to doing nothing over night, suddenly everything was done, or as much as I could do anyway, I had all my belongings, I had a place to live, I didn't yet have a job, that was in the pipeline though, I'd arranged a job for the season playing with Dinosaurs, as things transpired that didn't happen, a better more stable job came my way.

For a while, things were ok, I didn't have much of a clue about my direction in life, neither did I have any idea what had brought me to this place in time. It still hadn't occurred to me that my experience was not a normal one, that my marriage was possibly a sham, right from the get go, from the honeymoon onwards.  

 Its been nearly, a week since I last wrote any of this blog, its so hard getting out what I have to say, it all wants to come out in one go, putting it in order is difficult. Please bear with me.

I got miserable,  it had been such a high getting everything sorted,  it was like surfing on the top of a wave, sooner or later the wave breaks, my wave broke, it broke big style.  First thing I had to do was get Kathy out of my life, easier said than done. She was still calling me, still texting me, it was driving me up the wall, we were now living separate lives but she still wanted to be in charge of mine.

What I did was fairly simple, I sent her a text saying that I needed to cut contact from her, she had me removed from our home of 14/15 years, forced me into starting a new life and now she wanted to be part of my new life. It was not going to happen! A quick nip down to Tescos for a simcard and a top up voucher, swap the sims over and bingo job done, only it wasn't that simple. It took me hours and hours, I agonised over it, sweated over it, cried about it, smoked a lot of ciggies and drank a lot of tea!

Finally I sent her the last text, I cant remember what I put in it, possibly something about goodbye  or maybe a thank you , I just don't recall it, I do know it was polite, by this time I had made my mind up that I wasn't going to stoop to her level. It would have been easy to get angry, get really really angry, drive round to her house and in all honesty probably kill her, but I'm better than that, I always have been and I always will be, no matter how low I sank, I could never let myself get down to her level, I just wouldn't allow myself to go that far down.

 The sim card cost me 99p, I bought it at about 11 on a Saturday morning, I finally changed it at around 5pm that afternoon.  Strange thing is after I had swapped sim's I sat looking at my phone for about an hour, just waiting for a text from her, some part of me thought she would have the number, of course she didn't, some part of my brain was just not working properly, I expected that text or the phone call, thankfully it didn't happen.
   
I had started to write a diary, looking at it now it makes no sense to me at all, its gibberish, repeated over and over again, at the top of every page, from February 1st onwards are the words "Do not contact her". They are on the top of every page for the next 17 days, that's the day when I nearly ended things, a small drop from my kitchen window into oblivion.



The mental block about this time, is starting to clear a little, I've still got a lot to write about, I know its not going to be easy, this is easily one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. 

The support I'm receiving for writing this blog is incredible to name a few out of the many..... Jo, Nikki, Steph, Kim, Cindy, Chris and the countless other people in my life.

I thank you.

As you all know, my door is always open........

To be continued.......