The rest of the month absolutely flew past, its just a blur in my mind. A blur of meals at friends, collecting bits and pieces, some things stick in my mind though. First night in my bed after it was delivered, getting my settee and the delivery guy gasping in amazement at my view. I cant fault him, its very very good.
I missed out on a pool table! When I payed for my bed at the British Heart Foundation shop, we left via the back exit, in the back they had a pool table in bits, the guy who runs the place claimed they had had it for years, I could have it for 25 quid. The thought of a pool table sent shock waves through me. It was slowly dawning on me that I had nobody to tell me what I can and can't do anymore.
That weekend I planned the layout of my living room, pool table in the middle (yes there is that much room!) a bar off to the right next to the window, a photographic studio on one wall, the sofa against another wall, a darts board next to the door, and that wall paper, that god awful wallpaper, I didn't particularly want to remove it, but I didn't want to keep it either. So I figured covering it in things would be a good idea, that's what I do. Its now my memory wall.
The memory wall started with a few bits and pieces, some memento's from my time in the military, a t-shirt signed by Bruce Dickinson, the last ever birthday card my nan sent me. It started very empty but its growing, it now has post cards from all over the world, bits and pieces that past friends have given me, the strangest things are a wooden stirrer from Mcdees and a dried flower from a quarry.
I digress, after the bed arrived, I headed back to the heart shop, my mind was firmly set on this pool table. I didn't think about the practicalities of it, getting it into my flat in the first place, up three flights of stairs and through the door. Now this wasn't your ordinary toy pool table, it was the real deal, a genuine pub pool table, the thing must have weighed half a ton, but it was a pool table! (In my mind now, I realise that just maybe I was/am slightly crazy)
Arriving back at the shop, I find the guy who runs the place, to buy this pool table. Disappointment beckoned, after having the table hanging around for years, over the weekend they had sold it! Gutted, to say the least. I couldn't believe it, in fact I didn't believe him, I went in the back of the shop to see for my self, yep, the guy was honest, it had gone!
That night I reflected on why that pool table didn't become part of my life. Silly thing to think about perhaps, but just how silly is it? Reflecting now, I think that this was my first step in healing myself, I eventually came to the conclusion that I just wasn't meant to have it.
I'm a firm believer, that everything happens for a reason, what those reasons might be only becomes clear in hindsight. I didn't believe it then, I didn't think about why and how things were happening, but a lot of good things were happening all at once.
My flat, my car, small things like the fridge, my memory wall, the sofa, they all happened for a reason. There is a grander scheme to things, its not something that's blindingly obvious to me, its just a feeling, that comes and goes. I sometimes just sit in my flat and look around me, I look at all the things I've collected over the last two years. The books, the coffee tables, the sofas (yes two of them now) the half full bottle of Strawberry Bon-Bons that I was given, but never touched. The map of Lincolnshire on my wall, the kite that wont fly (I shit you not, the bloody thing will not fly, it just crashes) and now permanently flies next to my darts board.
I have over time learnt to listen to my inner self, the one that gives a good feeling is pretty common now, but the bad one is still around. That one I listen to the most, mainly because it is accurate. There have been a few times when I haven't listened to it, the first woman to walk into my life, I got a bad feeling about her, she came into my flat, sat at my kitchen window and complained about the view. That pissed me off, she was gone in a matter of minutes. The good feeling came back after she left.
The most valuable lesson happened last year, yet again it was a woman that walked into my life, I don't really know what love is, I haven't experienced what other people would call love, its a stranger to me. I thought I fell in love with her, but all the time when she was around that bad feeling would be hanging around, it only ever went away when she wasn't about. I didn't listen to it for 7 months, eventually she came to my flat one night a bit worse for the old booze. We started arguing, one thing lead to another and she walked out, I let her. The bad feeling went away.
The feelings for her didn't go away, I missed her friendship, the laughter, her company, I didn't miss that bad feeling. It was replaced by something else, not loneliness (I'm used to that) a more sort of emptiness. Over the last six months or so that emptiness has gone away but I've had to make a few decisions, the main one being that I'm not capable of having a real lasting relationship, not yet anyway. So I have had to stop looking for one, I've had to stop looking in the mirror and seeing my own hauntingly horrible image looking back, instead I look in the mirror and tell myself I'm perfect, that there is nothing wrong with me. Its working, slowly, but it is working.
To be continued.......
Coming soon
Depression and suicide
Christine
January 2015 part 3
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