Depression and Suicide Part 3

I could not stop crying, every five minutes, the bottom had fallen out of my world, I had built myself up again only to crash right back down, I felt bad, I didn't wash, didn't eat, couldn't sleep, had been right to the brink of suicide, seen that particular demon and stepped back, now I just lay on my kitchen floor sobbing, sobbing and sobbing, real floods of tears, my face was wet with them my t-shirt too.

That voice in my head spoke up again, "What are you going to do now Gaz?" I didn't know. Between bouts of sobbing I phoned Fay, I told her what I'd just nearly done, it was so nice to hear a friendly voice. Calm, very soothing. I read Fay the list from start to finish, I explained the reasons for each one, then I asked her a question, "Fay, do you believe me, that I've been in an abusive marriage?" There was a few seconds silence "Yes". I broke down again, the relief of it, somebody finally believed me!

I said thank you to her, put the phone down and sobbed again, that damn sobbing went on all through the day, it didn't come out all in one go, it was dribs and drabs, each sobbing bout was just as bad as the previous one. I made my mind up there and then I needed help, but how to go about it? I didn't have a clue. What popped into my mind was Angel.

Dragging myself up of the floor, subconsciously I made that first step back to recovery, for the first time in what seemed like ages I went for a wash, cleaned my teeth and got dressed, still the sobbing would not go away. I didn't feel any shame for the sobbing, they're was absolutely nothing I could do about it, I'd held it in for so long, I'm not talking a matter of days or weeks, I'm talking years and years.

I grabbed my diary, put some shoes on and headed off to Angel's. The conversation with Angel is a blank in my mind, I remember turning up at her house and sobbing. I'm sat here having a coffee, desperately trying to remember that conversation, its just not happening! Angel advised me to go to the doctors, yea right get in at the doctors! that takes ages, she had a trick up her sleeve though, she wrote me a letter to give to the doctor. I still have that letter, I don't read it anymore, neither am I going to share it with you, its not that I don't want to, its more that I have no need to dig it out and refresh my memory of what it says.

I didn't phone the doctor, I went directly to the doctors, by this time I'm fairly sure it was mid afternoon, time had no meaning. Heading to the receptionist I didn't say a word, just handed her the note, she read it, handed it me back, got on the phone and told me to take a seat. I don't know how long I sat there, it could have been minute's or hours, every now and again I would sob. I didn't say a word to anybody, didn't take any notice of my surrounding's, the place could have been full or empty, I have no idea.


The receptionist fetched me to see the doctor, I don't know if they were calling for me before that, not a clue, I know its unusual for the receptionist to escort patients to the doctors office, I went through the door, sat down, before the doctor could say anything, I was sobbing again. I handed her the note, she read it. Then she started talking, I don't remember the exact words of what she said, some of it I do though.

I read her that list, she said "Why do you need that list?" I couldn't answer her, why did I need that list? Simple answer I didn't, that list was just screwing me into the ground, it had become malignant, instead of helping it had become a thing of evil, an instrument of Kathy, a way for her to still get at me. I thought about it for a minute or two, ripped it out of my diary and tore the pages into tiny pieces. Some two years later, I don't remember all that was in that list, I don't want or need to remember, it was and remains a completely unnecessary evil that took me to the brink of oblivion. Don't get me wrong when I first wrote that list it felt necessary to do so, it felt the correct thing to do, its like this blog, writing it now is the thing I need to do, in a few years, who knows?

We talked about a few other things, not that I remember what they were, the mists of time have obscured the rest of it from me, I remember sobbing a couple of times. She finally diagnosed me with depression, no surprise that one! We talked about getting some counselling, I agreed it could be a good idea, I must admit that the thought didn't fill me with enthusiasm, I mean you've got to be crazy for counselling right? (That will be covered in another chapter)


She also prescribed me some anti-depressants, explaining to me that when I start taking them they will take me even further down than what I already was, great, that would be an enormous help. She did repeat herself over and over that it was completely normal to go further down after starting the course and to just keep with it, don't act on the thoughts that were bound to follow. Easier said than done but I managed it.

That was pretty much it, after I left her surgery I felt better, I'd reached out, got help, it wasn't anything to be ashamed about, the sobbing dried up gradually over the next couple of hours, for the first time in a while, a good nights sleep was in order, which is what happened, my final thoughts that night, I scribbled into my diary "This is the first day, of the rest of my life"

Those words have turned out to be true, ever since that day life has treated me well, sure there has been days of sheer hell, ups and down's but that is life, I know that I will never be that low again, I just will not let it happen to myself, I will not let myself experience anything like what Kathy did, again, it has not been an easy path to this point in time. It has been a long road to travel, with many twists and turns, many ups and downs. It is a journey that I am now enjoying to the full, I intend to enjoy my journey, no matter what life throws at me, be it good, bad or indifferent, I will not rest until I reach my destination.