Wedding Day

I don't remember the exact year we got married, it was either 2000 or 2003, I do remember the date though, 5th June, it would have been the 6th but the registry office was not open on that day. Odd how some things remain clear in my mind, we picked the 6th because it was exactly half way between our birthdays.

If I had known what was coming in the following years I would have listened to my instincts.

We had been together for around 3 years before we got hitched, already Kathy had removed my friends, I had no one to invite to the wedding, no one to be best man, her son at the grand old age of 11 got that particular job, telling you all about this now it seems particularly sad. At the time it seemed a great idea, now it just shows me how manipulative Kathy really is.

It started with her asking me to marry her, I was working nights at the time. I need my sleep so it was sleep all day for me, get up, go to work. This particular evening, I came down stairs to find Kathy and Damian both in the house, both sat downstairs waiting for me, I knew something was going on straight away, Kathy went and made me a coffee and insisted I sat down because she had something to ask me. That got my guard up, made me wary, this was not normal behaviour. 

She brought me the coffee and sat down next to me, she had a glint in her eyes that made me get even more wary, I looked over at Damian, he had that same glint, now I knew that trouble was brewing, big trouble. She looked at me and just spat it out "Gaz, will you marry me?" My first thought was shit! the second was fuck! then over and over again, fuck! fuck! fuck! fuck! fuck! hell fuck no! fuck! fuck! shit! I looked at her, that glint was still in her eyes, she looked so hopeful, so tense, I knew straight away that if I said no it would cause an argument. Damian was exactly the same, talk about two peas in a pod, same glint in his eyes, same body language, my mind started again shit! shit! fuck! how do i say no! how can i let these two down without causing upset and a lot of grief? I didn't know, so I took the cowards way out "yes".

The next few minutes are a blur, Kathy hugged Damian, a ring magically appeared on my wedding finger and I was on my way out the door, off to work. My contract with the devil had been drawn up but I was yet to sign.

At that point I lost control, the further into this wedding lark I got, the harder it was going to be to get out of it, I knew, damn it, I just knew, that I didn't want to marry her, I was too damned soft, I didn't want to hurt her or Damian by backing out of it, I should have, I should have said no right from the very beginning, hind sight is a wonderful thing, I should have got out of that house and not looked back. I paid a terrible price for not listening to myself.

The arrangements were out of my hands, the only part I helped with was getting a wedding car and paying for the marriage license. Everything else Kathy arranged, the wedding car, looking back I find that amusing, it wasn't your normal limousine or horse drawn carriage, it was a funeral car! a limousine from a funeral home, if I remember correctly it cost me 70 quid, for this big black monster of a thing with a few flowers arranged in it. Was it a sign that I was selling my soul? I think so, did I take any notice? nope!

The big day arrived, it was scary, I was nervous, I had put all thoughts of doing the wrong thing out of my mind, I had convinced myself that it was the correct thing to do. So I toddled off to my nans (my nan played a big part in my life for a long time, I will get around to writing about her eventually) with Damian to get ready. I had made no plans on how to get to the wedding, I figured that driving myself and Damian would be the order of the day, Mathew had other ideas, (Mathew started out as one of Kathy's friends that I got to know, he is still one of my friends to this day) he turned up at my nans in a bloody great big white Mercedes Benz and offered to take Damian and myself to the registry office. The irony of the fact I got the real wedding car is not lost on me.

We were due to get married at Spilsby registry office, I forget the time but it was in the afternoon. Anyway, that's beside the point. All three of us get ready and we pile into this huge great beast of a car (I would end up owning that car, my first ever Merc) and off we trot to Spilsby, I smoked the whole trip, roll up after roll up, that journey seemed a long one but it was over far too quickly.

We parked up outside the registry office, nobody else had turned up yet, so what to do now? sit and just wait or pass the time some other way? yep, you guessed it, with The George pub just up the road some dutch courage was in order! I nearly ran to that bloody pub! It was a beautiful sunny June day, so sitting outside on a bench we quickly got the first pint out the way. I headed to the bar for another round, I will always remember the next events, the barmaid was an absolute stunner! Here I am dressed to the nines, in a suit with a flower for a button hole, about to get married and this barmaid crosses my path, my spirit left me, it dragged her upstairs for a wicked afternoon of debauchery! "Getting married hun?" she said, my spirit returned with a crash "yea, fraid so", "good luck hun", "thank you". That was that, the finality of it hit me, from then on I felt like a convict facing the gallows.

On the third or fourth pint, Kathy turns up, in her funeral car, with her dad. "Oh, shit, she's here!" came forth out of my gob without thinking, I'm sure she read my lips, she just pointed at me and smiled. Her driver must have been thinking pretty quickly, he turned away from the registry office to head through Spilsby, presumably to give me time to finish the drinks. They went down real quick, I was not going to leave that last pint! By this time three sheets to the wind my bladder was starting to fill up, not just fill up, but expand to the point of needing an auxiliary bladder. I had to have a pee, desperately!

The walk to the registry office was a quick one, I had to get in there for a pee before Kathy turned up, by now our few guests and witnesses had turned up, I ignored all of them, the only thing I could think about was having a wee. I walked through the registry office door, the registrar was directly in front of me, before she could say anything my gob opened again "I'm busting for a wee, wheres the loo!" she laughed and pointed to the back of the building, I ran! I ran so quickly through that place into the gents, it was like my arse was on fire. Into the gents I went, yanked down my flies, pulled the old man out and let fire. The relief was immense! 

It wouldn't stop, the stream just kept on going, that pee is still the longest one I've ever had! To say I only drank three or four pints I must have passed several gallons back out. I could hear every one going into the wedding room, they were being directed where to sit and where to stand then everything went quiet. All of a sudden I hear this voice sing out "We have lost the groom, does anybody know where he is?" That struck me as hilariously funny, then again that voice "Has anyone seen the groom?" again "Wheres the groom gone!" The pee stream is still flowing, I could have shouted back, I couldn't, it was all I could do to keep aiming properly through my laughter, it would not have been good getting married with wet trousers.

Finally after what seemed like hours, the stream stopped. Stuffing the old man back in and doing my flies up, I washed my hands, took a deep breath and headed to the wedding room. "Your late!" is what I got greeted with from the registrar, I mumbled something back, what it was I don't recall. She opened the door to the wedding room, I was the last one in, they were all waiting for me, Kathy, Kathy's family, a few of my family, around ten or twelve people in all, not many by some wedding standards.

This was the first time that I had entered one of these wedding rooms but they are boring, neutral colours on the walls, a few flowers and a big huge desk, not the kind of room that's inviting, functional, but that's it, I had a good look around, all these people are looking back at me, I'm drunk! all of a sudden I'm also embarrassed, the bride is supposed to be late not the groom! I can feel my face turning a brighter shade of red, and I think to myself aaaaaahhhh shit, lets get on with it I step up to the desk and stand next to Kathy.

The registrar starts talking, I don't register what she is saying, sure I listened but it didn't go in, just bounced right of again, my brain is at it again though fuck, fuck, fuck ,fuck, fuck! don't do it fuck fuck fuck don't you dare, fuck, fuck, fuck. Kathy says her bits and pieces and that "I do" part, then its my turn "Do you, blah, blah take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

Time slowed down, everything went quiet, I could hear the birds singing outside, the cars travelling past, my brain screams at me "SAY NO, JUST SAY FUCKING NO!!!!!!!"  I look at my future father in law, I look at Kathy, I sold out, I sold my soul to the devil and paid the consequences, out of my stupid, stupid, mouth came those words "I DO".

That was it, I didn't listen to myself, right from the beginning I should have said no, those two words changed my whole life, sure it was good for a few days, after that it just turned crap. My advise to anyone now who is planning on getting married, if you have even the slightest incling of doubt don't do it. It doesn't matter if its when your asked or at the alter or anywhere, if your not 100% sure, get out, don't say those words.