The First Month, January 2015, Part 3

I didn't have time to think, sorting everything out just took all my time up, it was get up, run around like a lunatic all day, fall in bed, sleep. Day after day after day. I would chat to certain friends, when I had time, they all said the same thing "take your time Gaz, there is no rush". I did not listen to them, the main reason being I figured if I stopped I might wake up from a nightmare and everything that had happened would be just that, a nightmare.

Only of course I didn't wake up it was all very real. The big nightmare was having to face Kathy, to get what bits and pieces I owned, I didn't want to, I didn't ever want to go back to that house but I had to face it. I think this is when I started to put my defences up, it could have been earlier, much earlier, maybe a decade ago, I just don't know. I put up a crispy exterior, like I didn't care about anything, it was my fuck or fight attitude.

That fuck or fight attitude has been an absolute bitch to get out of, putting up a front is not good, its not good for anybody. A few people can see right through it, they can see that I do care, very much so, but a lot of people cant, sad to say a few of those people could have been good friends now if I hadn't had that front in place. I had to though, it was for my own protection. 

I feel in myself, that the front is nearly gone, over the last couple of years I have done some dreadful things, some things that I very much regret doing, (I might talk about them later in another chapter or I may just keep them to myself)  one thing that I can see now is other people who put up the same fuck or fight attitude, I see the signs of it, and can see straight through it. If they talk to me, I ignore the attitude and try to talk to the human inside, if they don't then I just wonder what has happened to make them put up those awful defences. In a way, I connect with them, can sympathise with them, and hope that one day they pull out the other side.

Back to Kathy, during January I had to visit that house a number of times, to collect the few belongings that I owned, not much, a few books, a coffee table, some electronic bits and pieces, a desk for my bedroom, and the few clothes that I owned (Clothes, were an issue for me, Kathy wangled her way into me so much that clothes shopping was strictly her domain, if I liked an item of clothing but she didn't like it, I couldn't buy it, and if she liked an item of clothing but I didn't, she would buy it anyway. God help me if I didn't wear it. This is something I'm struggling to get out of, clothes shopping is a complete nightmare, my nose twitches continually, and I eventually end up leaving the shop, one day I will grasp this issue face on and deal with it.)

Every time I went round to that house she would be more and more friendly, it started off with her friend in the house as well, eventually it got to the point that it was just me and her. She scared me, to be in that house with her alone scared me, to be in that house with her while she was being friendly was even more scary, eventually I got all my belongings out. On the last trip, after I had filled the car up, she offered me a cup of coffee, against my better judgement I agreed. 

She started waffling, waffling complete and utter bullshit, about how it had been a happy marriage, how she hadn't meant for anything to go wrong, how she was sorry for all of it, how it was my fault in the first place. All these words tumbled out of her mouth, all I could think about was finishing my drink and wondering why my nose would not stop twitching. My nose! it was slowly but surely driving me even more crazy than I already was. There is no doubt in my mind looking back, both in my diary and searching my memories that something had broken inside of me mentally.

This friendliness from her was quite a puzzle, it was not her normal behaviour, her normal behaviour was somewhere between anger and hysteria, it took me a while to figure it out, she had lost control. She had lost control of me, that thought popped in my head like a great big shinny sun just suddenly popping on, boom! Over the next couple of weeks she tried her hardest to regain control, she would text me or call me, I let her get on with it, I knew now why she was being friendly, but it was too late, I'd caught on to her game, I knew how to deal with it. (that will be covered in depression and suicide)

It took a while, but eventually I got everything up in my flat, I got nearly everything unpacked (I only unpacked the last of my books a few months ago) my bedroom was all in place, a desk in one corner, my bed in the other. My kitchen had things in it, a kettle, toaster, other cooking implements. My living room was and is the best though, my memory wall, the darts board, my sofa and those bar stools, and of course my coffee table.

During all this time, I had been talking to an old school friend, Sarah. I sent her a text saying everything was finished and unpacked, she sent one back saying "OK, cool, now get one of your stools, sit in the middle of your living room and take in what you have created"

I did, I sat on that stool, smoking a ciggy and revolved very slowly in a 360 degree circle, the enormity of it hit me, like a ton of bricks dropped from a great height, I had created this! this is my home! Something broke inside me, it was like a dam wall being breached, everything came out of me all at once, I broke down and cried, cried like I have never cried before, it was an unusual feeling to be crying so much, but it would not be the last time. The next time would be for very different reasons.

That's it, that was my January 2015, next up if I can do it, and I will try, depression and suicide......