Photography and Weddings

I used to love photography, not so much now, I have lost my mojo for it. I first picked up a camera at the grand old age of 14, a clapped out old Pentax, a wet film camera, you know the type, one of those with either 24 or 36 exposures. I didn't think much to it back then, it took months to get the films developed and when they returned they were pretty damned awful really, thank heavens for digital.

Around 2005/6 I was given a Cannon 400D for Christmas, the habit returned pretty damned quickly, no longer waiting months to see the results it was instantaneous! magic. I must have learnt a lot back in the wet film days, my photos were soon being published all over the world, I didn't see why, nothing special, just point, shoot and pray.

Back in either 2012 or 2013 I was asked to photograph a wedding, I had my misgivings but the bride pretty much pleaded with me, as these things go I gave in to her. The day went pretty well, everything went like clockwork and her photos, much to my surprise, she wasn't just happy with them, she was elated, again I couldn't figure out why, the point and shoot method, really does work. I found the best way was not to stage any shots at all, just let every photo be perfectly natural, not everyones cup of tea, but it worked for me.

Word got around, soon I photographed another wedding, then another, and another. It got silly, I had to turn a few brides down, they either wanted more than I was capable of doing or I had already been booked. It struck me as strange that it was always the bride getting in touch never the groom, I eventually figured that these brides had been planning their wedding not only for months but for years, perhaps decades, all of a sudden that thought scared me, what happens if I have equipment failure? or something else goes wrong? by this time my camera collection had grown to include three or four different bodies with multiple lens choices.

2014 was the busiest year, it was wedding after wedding after wedding, one in particular stays in my mind, that one was at The Southview Hotel in Skegness, the bride wanted me to start at 9:30 in the morning and finish after the first dance, no problem, I generally finished after the first dance anyway. Unfortunately bridezilla was alive and well, nothing was good enough, even though her wedding went like clockwork, all she did all day was moan and whinge, it should have been the happiest day of her life, but no, it seemed to be her worst. That rattled me, even though the Bride and Groom invited me to stay after the wedding it got me thinking, why am I doing this? I stayed anyway, drank everyone under the table and left at about 6 the next morning just as the sun was rising, hell of a day and one I wont forget in a hurry.

For some reason 2015 was not going to be a busy wedding year, very few bookings, if I remember correctly there was only 6 for the entire year, as things would turn out this was a good thing. The life changing events of December and January happened, these brides must have known something wasn't right or I was being undercut price wise. I didn't charge a lot, enough to cover my costs and time, with a little added on top. 3 of them cancelled, I forget the reasons, but I'm please they did, one of the grooms died! not the best of reasons to get out of a wedding but still a good one.

That left two, in the middle of summer June/July time, both back to back over one weekend. By this time depression had its greedy hands around me, it didn't matter what I did it had a hold and wouldn't let go, the doctors had prescribed anti-depressants and some counselling had happened (more about that in depression and suicide) it didn't help, not one little bit. To make matters worse the day before I suffered an accident at work, I dropped something onto my head and was suffering from a nice concussion. The full on works, dizziness, double vision, being sick, the lot. I couldn't back out of these weddings, well you cant can you? No back up photographer or contingency plans, I just had to get on with it.

It was a strange feeling, suffering concussion, trying to pretend everything was just fine, be on top of my game and pretend to be happy for the wedding couple, it was hard. I went through the motions with the first wedding, did all the right things, said all the right words in all the correct places, got involved taking all the photos I could, but things had changed, I had changed, surrounded by all these people enjoying the day, I was miserable, to the point that a few times I excused myself, went to the car and cried.

The day could not go quick enough, it just seemed to drag, it was all I could do not to get the happy couple to do their first dance extremely early, it was not to be though, I had to continue suffering. Every so often I would take a step back and just watch all these people enjoying themselves. I find myself watching people a lot, be it at McDonald's, sat on a park bench or at a wedding reception. I hated it, hated it with a passion, surrounded by all these people, some genuinely happy, some pretending to be happy, some like me just miserable, but the over all feeling was of being alone. 

Being alone in a room full of 200 people is quite an over whelming experience, I wanted to run away, of course I couldn't, I just had to put up with it. People would come up to me, talk at me, I would nod and agree or suddenly hide behind my camera and take their photo, all the time I would be thinking "fuck off, just go away and leave me alone", eventually the bridal couple had the first dance. I was out of that place so quickly I nearly ran, I said my goodbyes to them, hurriedly, as politely as I could. After that I didn't look back, headed for my car and home.

Getting home, I uploaded the photos to my computer, put my batteries on charge, made sure everything would be ready for the next day, wedding number 2. While laying in bed that night all sorts of thoughts ran through my head, why would that couple get married? what have they got in their relationship that was never in mine? why did I feel so alone in that room? the answers still elude me, one thought did pop in my head though, why am I doing this to myself? I couldn't come up with an answer, the only option left to me was to retire from wedding photography. With that decision a weight got lifted from my shoulders, it was and still is the correct one.

The next day, I was comfortable with retiring from wedding photography, but that didn't make going through the whole rigmarole any easier, I still felt alone surrounded by 200 people, still couldn't see why the bride and groom were doing what they did, I just didn't understand it. I had not learnt yet, that everyone is different, every relationship is different, I had it in my mind that everyones relationship was exaxctly the same as my broken down relationship, of course that is not correct, but its how I thought at the time.

Everything went very smoothly with the second wedding, the photos felt natural, it just worked as it should, I'm not sure why, perhaps it was just a good day or things were starting to get better in my broken mind, perhaps it was just the thought of never photographing another wedding? Maybe the concussion was starting to ease off a little bit, the events of those two days are misty in my mind, I remember the odd flash of them but that's it.

Yet again after the first dance I excused myself, said congratulations to the happy couple and headed home, uploaded their photos to my computer and went off to bed.

Something after that went wrong in my brain, I suffered some form of mental breakdown over those photos, I would put my computer on all ready to edit the photos, look at them for 5 minutes without doing anything and just break down, those photos destroyed something inside me whenever I looked at them, I eventually got to the point of not switching my computer on, just ignoring that they were there, just sitting waiting for me to edit them. This was not fair to the two parties involved, for every wedding I have ever photographed I tried to get the photos ready as soon as possible, normally for when they came back from honeymoon. This time though it just didn't happen. I couldn't bear to even look at them let alone edit them.

Eventually as these things go the two couples involved wanted their photos, I knew I had to do them, knew that I was being a complete shit to them, I knew it, they knew it. So sitting down one quiet afternoon, I put on my computer and figured out a way of editing them without actually looking at them. That's what I did, without looking at the subjects I found a routine to crop, level and sharpen the photos all in one go. It took a few hours and cost me a packet of ciggies, one after the other, that was the last time I chain smoked. Finally they were done, copying them onto memory sticks I delivered them the next day.

Even now, I cant look at those photos, I have no idea, what they look like, no idea what the quality is like, I have not heard back from the two couples involved, so I must assume they are happy with them, I guess if they weren't I would have heard something back by now.

I have still not got my mojo for photography back, I have picked up my cameras a couple of times since then, but its not the same, there is no enjoyment to it anymore, I used to be out every couple of days with my camera. Looking back I think it was an escape mechanism, a way to get out of all the shit that was happening in my life, I didn't realise it at the time and just writing about it now is the first time I've thought about it, but that is what it was, a way to escape, a way to relax both my body and my mind. Perhaps that's why I don't take my cameras out now, I have nothing to escape from. Only time will tell.